


Outed

by MileHighLarry



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: A lot of blushing, Actor Louis, Angst, Badass old farmer lady, Drag me down au, Friends to Lovers, Language, Love Declarations, M/M, Miscommunication, Self realization, Smut, Vet Harry, deep looks, long held secrets, mitam, slight body worship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-01
Updated: 2017-09-01
Packaged: 2018-12-22 10:51:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 30,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11965896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MileHighLarry/pseuds/MileHighLarry
Summary: Louis Tomlinson needs a safe place to hide when his night out ends up on every major entertainment site. His safe place has always been Harry. Will ten years make a difference?





	1. All These Lights, They Can't Blind Me

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for the Made in the A.M. Challenge.  
> Hope you enjoy!
> 
> Come find me on Tumblr as [MileHigh-Larry](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/milehigh-larry) and we can chat about fics!

The incessant sound of buzzing pulled Louis from a deep sleep, attacking his brain with the irritable noise. He blindly reached for the phone, trying to stop it without having to open his eyes, which felt glued shut, but only recoiled and wrapped his arms around the pounding in his brain. 

A muffled groan from the bed startled him enough to pry open his eyes. Light flashed, felt like scaring on his brain, before he took in the sight of a long back in the bed next to him. The phone kept buzzing. His brain couldn’t put the pieces together. 

He realized that the phone’s noise was being supplemented with a pounding on the back door. What the hell? He finally got a hold of his phone, noted the ridiculously early time, shot another quick glance to the unknown, and now unconscious, body next to him, and got up from the bed.

Marginally surprised to find he was still wearing jeans, he moved slowly down the stairs, willing his stomach to stay down. Fuck, what happened last night?

“I’m coming! Fuck,” he said, pulling the back door open. Liam practically fell into the house. “What the fuck, Liam?”

Liam, his usually carefree, smiling manager and best friend, looked ready to punch him. “Is he here?” 

Louis looked around the empty kitchen. “Who? Liam, it is 5 o’clock? What the hell, man?” The room was spinning. Louis could feel the cold sweat prickling on his skin. 

Liam scrunched up his nose. “You fucking reek, Louis.” He pulled his phone out of his pocket. TMZ on the screen. A picture of Louis, blurry, that God, up against a brick wall, head thrown back, and some guy’s hand down his pants. 

His stomach lurched. 

“Who. The. Fuck?” Liam’s eyes flashed while he slowly drew out the words. 

Louis racked his brain. Nothing. Flashes from the bar, dancing, drinking who knows what. His head dropped. He couldn’t look at Liam anymore. 

“Who the fuck?” Liam shouted at him. “Who the fuck is this, Louis?” He stormed around the kitchen while razors went through Louis’ brain. “What have you done?” The cold quiet tone cut through Louis way more than the yelling. 

He swallowed. “I don’t know,” he said so softly he wasn’t sure Liam heard. And then he threw up.

Liam hadn’t given him time to shower. Or get a proper bag together. Or even find out who the guy was in his bed. Liam, bless him, had brought a nondisclosure, for all the good it would do now, and ushered the unknown man out of the house, through the back yard, across a fence and out the front of the back neighbor’s house. 

Louis had exactly that much time to change out of his filthy jeans, throw up again (thank God this time in the toilet) and throw a couple key things in a backpack before he was being pushed out of his house, much the same was as anonymous guy. Liam scuttled him away through the neighbor’s yard, away from the already gathering photographers in front of his own house, and into the large black range rover parked on the street. Liam barely said a word. 

He knew he had fucked up badly this time. And had no idea what to do about it.

Liam silently seethed as he wound his way through the windy streets of the Hollywood hills. Dawn hadn’t even broken completely through. He couldn’t have even been asleep that long. Louis’s stomach swelled at each turn but Liam’s muffled threat of “don’t you dare” kept what was left down. His mind raced trying to grab on to something, anything, that could explain last night. Anything that could help him remember.

He had caught a glimpse of the guy as Liam pushed him out the back door. Louis had no recollection of him at all. How had this happened? 

Louis had gone out to the bar alone last night. He knew he should have called someone to go with him, but he needed to escape for a while. He had thought the small, unknown club would have been fine. It was so far out of the regular club scene that there shouldn’t have been paparazzi for miles and miles. It was small, intimate, and he knew for a fact that he wasn’t the only closeted man there. 

He hadn’t let his guard down. He didn’t remember drinking that much. He hadn’t been there on a mission to get drunk and forget, no matter how much he wanted to. What the fuck had happened?

They stayed silent throughout the drive, down the freeway, and while Liam drove to his quiet neighborhood of Marina-Del-Ray. Louis rested his face against the cool glass, trying to sober himself up and get rid of the queasiness that seemed to take over his whole body. 

Liam pulled into his parking spot at the condo. The water was quiet, the marina having not woken up to weekend sailors and paddle boarding tourists. Liam took a deep breath, his sign for having something to say and not wanting to.

“I know. This is bad,” Louis said, opening the door for the berating he knew he deserved.

“Bad? Bad, Louis? No, this isn’t bad. This a catastrophic. This is the kind a bad that we have built your entire image around protecting you from bad.” The yelling in the small space echoed in Louis head. 

Liam took another deep breath. Louis had no answer, no excuse. He just waited. “What were you thinking, Louis? How could you do this? Be so careless?” The softness in Liam’s voice broke his heart. “There’s an image clause, you know. They could pull you from the show.”

Louis sunk even lower. Shit. The show. Of course he knew there was an image clause. Everyone knew there was an image clause. Everyone had one and it was a big stick for the studio to wield. But Louis was a big star. The star. Would that make it better or worse? 

It wasn’t that he’d even care if he was pulled. It was the insurmountable amount of money he would have to pay in reparations if he didn’t finish his contract. Fuck the show, really. His contract was up for renegotiation anyway but he knew that if he broke the image clause, they could potentially come after him for a lot of cash.

Liam took yet another steadying breath. “Okay. You need to get out of the city. No planes, somewhere you can drive. Preferably, somewhere small. So far off the grid that they can’t find you. You need to lay low while I try and sort this mess out. Try and keep your fucking job.” Liam still hadn’t looked him in the eye. 

Louis reached out and laid a tentative hand on Liam’s arm. He felt Liam stiffen but he didn’t pull away. “I’m sorry, Li. So sorry. I have no idea…”

Liam pulled his arm away and got out of the Rover. He leaned back in. “You don’t have much time. They will come here looking for you.” Louis nodded. “Where can you go, Louis?”

***

There was something about returning to a place you had been as a child and seeing it through adult eyes. For Louis, the closer he got to Montana, and especially as he moved onto the roads he had grown up driving, he was almost in awe of the way the landscape stretched further than his memory. 

The car drove along familiar roads almost as if from memory. Even though it had been a long day of driving, LA to Montana after just a couple hours sleep and a monster hang over, Louis found himself having a surprising amount of energy. It was as if his body knew he was returning home, after an extremely long absence. 

The sun stretched across the landscape casting a rosy orange glow on the old grey buildings and leaning wood barns. It gave the impression of a dusty layer, covering everything, and hovering over the long land. Louis wondered if it was always this beautiful. He hadn’t taken time to notice as a teen. Hadn’t appreciated a lot of things that made this home. 

Louis pulled off the gravel road onto the driveway marked by a hand painted sign: Styles Veterinary. Louis smiled at the flowing script. It screamed Harry to him. He tried to breath through the anxiety. It had been years.

He drove down the windy, tree-lined driveway and came out to a large open yard. An imposing log house stood front and center with a variety of buildings and shops nestled in around the property. Various vehicles stood by some of the buildings and Louis noticed two men sitting on a bench across the yard in front of long red building marked “Clinic.”

Louis pulled the small grey car, which couldn’t be more different from his flashy Audi convertible, up to the house. He hadn’t expected such a developed, obviously successful, operation. He had pictured a small house with a room for a pet or two, not this sprawling “clinic” that seemingly had a lot more to it than simply a vet clinic. And more people. Why were there people still here this late on a Saturday?

Louis tried to push back the rushing panic that was taking over his body. He took a few deep breaths and looked up at the house. It was really beautiful. Strong. He spotted the intricately designed stained glass door off the wrap around deck. “Now or never, Tomlinson.”

The door squeaked as he got out of the car. He was thankful that Liam had found him an untraceable car, how he had bribed his elderly neighbor to let Louis take it, Louis wasn’t going to ask, but he missed his car already. He had learned the first time he had gone to pass on the highway that this was a whole different world. He cursed the lack of air conditioning once more as he stood up and his shirt was plastered to his skin. 

This was not how he wanted to see Harry again. 

Louis walked up the stairs and to the door. He looked around for a doorbell, but couldn’t find one. He stepped back, looked again. What the heck? He tentatively reached out and lightly knocked on the stained glass. He heard the sound of feet scrambling on tile before a burst of quick barks. 

He jumped back at the sound, heart racing. “I guess that’s the doorbell,” he mumbled. 

“Oscar, move,” a deep voice carried through the door just before the door was flung open. 

Louis’ breath caught. Oh. Harry had grown. This was not the soft, fluffy Harry that lived, too often if he’d admit it, in his memory. This was a man. Broad. Tall. 

Gorgeous.

Harry froze in the doorway. Eyes widened before blinking several times. His mouth was slightly open, as if frozen in mid sentence. Suddenly, he breathed out one word. “Louis.”

Louis lifted his hand in a small wave and immediately felt ridiculous. But his throat had gone dry. Words didn’t want to come. He noticed Harry’s eyes flick down to the gesture before snapping back up; thinning as if trying to ensure what they were seeing was really there. 

The dog barking again snapped the moment. “Hey Harry,” Louis said softly. 

Harry shook his head slightly, long curls swaying across his shoulders. He visibly swallowed. “Hey Louis.”

Louis didn’t know what to do. Harry was still standing frozen in the doorway. He began to think that he had made a mistake. He knew his options were limited, but when Liam asked him for a safe space his only thought was Harry. Now he wondered if that was still true. Especially as he watched Harry pull himself back together and stand straight, breadth of him clearly marking a space in the doorway.

“Sorry for...” How did you put it all into a few words? “This.” Louis gestured to himself in an all-encompassing gesture. 

Harry released a huge breath that Louis hadn’t realized he had been holding. “What are you doing here Louis?” 

“I needed a place to go,” Louis replied. He never could be all but honest with Harry. Except, of course, when it mattered the most. “I needed a safe place to go,” he added a little quieter, feeling smaller than he thought possible. 

He watched as Harry’s features settled into something softer. Watches as Harry weighed his thoughts. “And you came here?”

Louis shrugged. “Yeah. I came here.” He scuffed his feet on the wooden deck. “Should I go?” His heart beat in his chest, so hard he wondered if Harry could see the pulse, if it gave him away.

He always used to be able to read Harry like a book. His open face, wide smile. He didn’t use to hide his thoughts, feelings from Louis. But standing here now, Louis had no idea which way Harry was going to go. Sharp green eyes searched Louis’ features, as if looking for the lie. Louis tried to hold steady under the gaze. Finally Harry’s shoulders sagged, and a grim realization took over his features. Harry stepped back from the doorway into the home and gestured with his arm “No. Come on in.”


	2. Baby, You're a Boat

Louis could hear Harry puttering around in the kitchen while he waited in the large living room. Harry’s home was beautiful, all thick wood logs, wide plank floors, creative decorative touches throughout. It was both entirely different and yet exactly what Louis would have imagined. 

He heard Harry put the kettle on for tea and wondered if he should go in a say anything. But the dead silence in the kitchen told him that Harry had stopped still, not moving, which for as long as he could remember meant that he was lost in thought. Louis figured he should give him some time. He had been able to prepare himself, mentally, on the long drive here. Harry had not. He owed him some time to catch his breath. 

Eventually the sounds started up again. Even though Louis hadn’t seen the kitchen, he could picture Harry moving around, gathering the cups, making the tea just the way Louis liked it. He briefly wondered if it was strange to be so connected to someone with out having seen them in so long. To feel like a piece that you didn’t know was missing had snapped back into place now that you were with them again. 

Harry had put a mask back on, brittle but still there, when he returned to join Louis in the living room with the tea. He silently passed Louis the cup. Louis nodded his thanks and held on to the cup for warmth. His stomach was tied in knots but the rich smell of the tea filled him with a little bit of comfort. He could tell by the color that Harry had remembered exactly how he liked it. Of course he did.

Harry sat in a large, worn leather chair across from Louis, the coffee table acting as a division. He had a cup in his hands as well. Louis couldn’t help but feel it was acting as protection for him.

“Drink tea now do you?” Louis asked, his voice sounding tinny even to him. 

He got a half smile in response. “No, still lemon and water. I just keep some on hand for Niall.” 

The air was sucked out of his lungs. He hadn’t considered Harry would have someone. Not in a specific way. Not in a gay way. He opened his mouth to say something and closed it again. He was uncharacteristically at a loss for words. 

He watched as a piece of the old Harry came across his face and recognized the hidden bit of amusement. “Niall, my lead vet tech. Who sometimes stays here when we have a situation.” Harry’s movements were more confident now. A man sure of his place in his home.

“A situation?” Louis tried to sound casual. Cavalier. He was one hundred percent sure he failed. Especially when he saw a bit a smirk creep onto Harry’s face. 

“Right. A situation. An animal in a bad way, a heifer or mare with twins on the way, something like that. You know,” he said, waving as if it all made sense. The movement drew Louis’ attention to Harry’s hands. They were big. Strong, muscular hands, in stark contrast to his own longer, lean fingers. Harry’s spoke to long days and hard work. He obviously had been doing manual work around the clinic as well as the doctoring. Louis wondered just how big of an operation Harry ran here. 

“Right. Like that.” Louis had no idea beyond a very general idea what a vet did, let alone what kind of emergency could come up. He knew his answer was off, though, when Harry’s face clouded over.

Harry nodded slowly. “I mean, I guess you don’t know, do you Louis? You have no idea what I do.” It wasn’t really a question. More of a statement made out of awe, perhaps not even purposefully. Words had often escaped Harry’s control without him even noticing. 

Louis heart fell, the sickness returning to his stomach. “No, I guess I don’t.” He didn’t know what to say. Why was he here? It had been too long. This wasn’t his safe place anymore, beside Harry. He put his cup down on the table and stood all in a sudden gesture. “I’m sorry, Harry. I need to go. I shouldn’t have come.”

Harry stood so quickly he splashed hot water over his hand. “Shit! Ouch. Shit,” he said as he slammed the cup on the table and started shaking his hand. He looked quickly up at Louis. Face reddening. 

Louis tried to hold it in, but it came back so naturally. Maybe it was the long, long drive. Maybe it was the extreme emotional stress. Maybe it was just that he had seen the same series of accidental pain inducing events play out over their life. But Louis laughed. He barked out a laugh that started in his chest. That exploded out of his mouth.

He threw a hand up to cover it, but not in time. He held his breath behind his hand, willing himself to stifle the giggle. Harry’s eyes went wide, then squinted, mouth pressed in a firm line. Then, in a moment that cut through Louis to his core, Harry’s face transformed into the wide smile that over took his whole face Harry that Louis had known for almost as long as he could remember. 

Louis sucked in a breath to get himself under control. “Same old Harry, hey Haz?” 

It was like a transformation. The confident, strong man who had greeted him at the door was now a grown up version of the bashful bundle of glee that lived in Louis’ memory. “I guess so, yeah.” Harry’s face grew redder. 

Louis was caught between wanting to pull Harry into his arms, in a way which had been so casually common for them, and between wanting to run and hide. In the end, it was Harry that made the decision. 

“I’m sorry, Louis,” he said softly. “I had no right.”

Louis heart clenched. “No, I’m sorry for barging in on you. I should have called. Should have let you know I might come by.” He felt at a loss. “I should have called before. You – you have every right. I deserve it.”

“Before?” Harry asked. “Or…before, as in some time in the last ten years.” The words were so quiet, so drenched in sadness that Louis had to take a breath. 

“As in a million times in the last ten years. I don’t know why…” he started. But of course, that was a lie. One that he had hidden, and had kept hidden, for years. 

Harry nodded. “Well, you got busy,” was all he said. He shrugged, as if it was nothing to him but the hurt in his voice couldn’t be covered. Not hidden from Louis who had known him so well.

Louis looked at their cups on the table, the two of them still standing apart from each other. The situation was so surreal. Had gone so differently than he had imagined. “I’m so sorry, Haz. So sorry.”

Harry gave him a small smile back. “Yeah, well, I guess I didn’t really reach out either.” He hesitated before dropping back into his chair. Almost as if challenging Louis to still leave. Or was he waiting to see if Louis would?

They stared at each other across the small distance. “This is stupid,” Louis said, finally. He practically leapt across the table and grabbed Harry around that shoulders in a giant hug. He felt Harry stiffen in shock for a fraction of a second before his arms came up and surrounded Louis’ entire body. “My God, I missed you,” Louis said, breathing into his hair. He smelled the same. Memories flooded back at the smell. My God, he smelled the same. 

But he didn’t feel the same. Louis became acutely aware of the ways he felt differently from his 17-year-old self, even in the awkward standing/sitting hug. The strength in his arms, the breadth of his shoulders. The deepness in the small groan that always accompanied a hug with Harry. Louis needed to stand up again. To put some room. Before the worst thing possible could happen. 

He untangled himself from Harry and pretended to not notice Harry quickly wiping the dampness from his cheek. “I missed you too, Louis.”

They both jumped at the sound of the door in the boot room slamming. “Harry,” a loud voice called out. “Harry, there’s a California… oh.” The blond man who had whooshed into the room stopped short. Louis could see the moment recognition hit him. He wanted to run but held his ground, somehow knowing Harry would protect him. “What the hell, Harry?” The thick Irish accent surprised Louis.

Harry laughed, to Louis’ relief. “Niall, this is Louis.” Niall’s eyes widened at the confirmation. Niall presence seemed to fill the room.

“Fuck? Louis Tomlinson?” Niall stepped further into the room and shook the hand Louis had offered. His eyes never left Louis’ face. Louis tried not to squirm while he pulled his hand away for the exuberant shaking.

“That’s me,” Louis said. So this was Niall. The vet tech. Who wouldn’t stop starring. As much as Louis was used to it, it felt entirely weird and completely uncomfortable for it to happen in Harry’s house. He wasn’t that Louis with Harry. He was just Louis. 

Niall looked pointedly at Harry. “Uh, mate? Can I talk to you for a second?” He didn’t wait for Harry to answer, just spun on a foot and left the room. 

Harry sighed deeply and half hung his head. “I’ll be back. Just,” he waved his hand in the general area of the room, “make yourself at home.”

Louis tried to ignore the hushed speaking from the kitchen. Tried not to think about the relationship between Harry and Niall, why or how they were so close. Didn’t seem like a boss, employee relationship. Tried not to think about the entitlement of Niall being able to just barge in on Harry in a private conversation. Okay, so maybe he wasn’t doing such a good job at trying not to think about it. He felt the flashes of jealousy that he thought he had left far behind. Part of the reason for him leaving. Harry was not his. Not before, and certainly not now. 

He started to explore the room. He’d never been in a log home before. It was so far from the ostentatious Hollywood homes he had become used to. The raw wood logs woven together in the corners. He ran his hands along the wood, felt every notch and knot. 

There was a TV on the wall above a large fireplace. Louis scanned the DVDs behind glass in the cabinet. The show’s case caught his eye immediately. “Venice Nights” sitting there in bright cases. Multiple seasons. All the seasons, he realized. Harry had all the seasons of his show. It felt wrong. Uncomfortable again. How could he reconcile the way Harry remembered him with how Harry must feel now? 

Harry had watched him practically having sex on screen with so many different women. Sure, it was all fake, but it was presented as real. Harry would know that, wouldn’t he? The whole premise of the show was he was a professional skateboarder, with a home in Venice Beach. He lived fast, loose, and got all the women he could ever want. It was his “life” in Venice Beach. And people ate it up. 

It was all so far from the truth. 

But people knew that, he was sure. People didn’t really buy into the whole thing, which was carefully scripted and produced to look authentic, did they? It had started as such a small thing, on some independent TV station, but people fell in love with him. And it got picked up and syndicated. 

He hadn’t even known what syndication was. 

He just knew this one season, eight shows, was going to be a stepping stone, he’d hoped, for something bigger. The big Hollywood dream, and all that. But instead he became syndicated. Signed on for two more seasons. Learned very quickly that meant a tremendous amount to his bank account. And his fame. 

It was now year seven; twenty-two shows a season. Thank goodness there were only two more to film this season. And how people thought that his life could still be anything like they ridiculous plot on TV, with the cast of crazy characters that hung onto him for his fame, was beyond him. 

Louis had fought Liam every year since the third season. It wasn’t him. It wasn’t what he wanted. But there was so much money, so much notoriety, he had been convinced to do one more year each season. Most shows waited for mid winter to roll around to hear if they were being renewed. Louis waited and hoped they would be dumped. 

They already knew they were renewed for next season and Louis had been getting a lot of pressure from both the producers and his manager to re-sign for the next season. He had been given tremendous incentives and a lot of money per episode, but the sticking point was the image clause. The told him they just couldn’t have him out being himself when he was supposed to be the Louis Tomlinson that was portrayed on the show. 

It wasn’t just that it was not real. It was that it was presented as if it was. He was supposed to pretend it was his real life and the public was supposed to pretend they believed it. It was all ridiculous. And it completely cut Louis off from having a normal life. 

Liam repeatedly told him no one believed that but he had seen enough side glances when he went to the underground clubs to know that the men there wondered if he was there, truly, or if he was there seeking some sort of gay tourist experience only to return to his Lothario lifestyle in the morning. The only people that knew the truth were Liam and the handful of men that gave him a quick release in the bathroom of the club under a pretense of anonymity. 

It was eating him alive. 

And now, this false life, all the embarrassing interludes and ridiculous staged drama were starring back at him from his oldest friend’s cupboard. He wanted to cry. 

“I thought it was Alvin, or Allister, or something that started with an AL. Emphasis on A. L. Not capital ‘L’ for Louis Freakin Tomlinson!” Louis heard the accented yell from the kitchen. 

Had Harry told Niall about Louis? Obviously to some degree. Maybe in some far off memory of some sort. He hadn’t told anyone about Harry. He protected those memories. Cherished them. They were his and his alone. It apparently wasn’t the same for Harry.

He was wrong to come here. For the second time, third?, he thought it had been too long. He was intruding on a place he had no right to be anymore. He quickly grabbed his coat that was hanging on the back of the couch and snuck out of the room. He tried to leave quietly through the door but he heard Oscar barking as he ran to his car. 

The door squeaked again as he flung himself inside. Tears started pouring down his cheeks without him even noticing. He coaxed the car to life and started backing up, ignoring Harry running down the steps. He didn’t look at him as he did a quick turn around and started to pull out of the yard and toward the land driveway. 

He would have kept going. He would have if he hadn’t seen Harry standing behind the car, left in the dust, screaming, “don’t you dare leave again, you bastard!”

It was too much. He slammed the car in park and jumped out. Ran back to Harry. “Don’t leave? Don’t leave?” He was screaming, couldn’t control it. “I had to leave, dammit! You were 17! You were still in school. I couldn’t stay!”

“So you just left? No word to me?” Harry was screaming back. “I had to find out from your Aunt! Your Aunt, for God’s sake!” He ran his hands through his hair in frustration. “Do you know how sick I felt when I found out you’d left, without even saying good-bye? You fucking bastard. You killed me.” 

Louis felt his heart clench.

“Yeah, maybe I was still a kid and you didn’t want me around anymore, but you could have told me you were leaving. You could have let me know. Instead I found out from your fucking aunt, who never had any qualms about making her dislike of me known, did she?” Harry was still yelling. All Louis could do was let him. “I would have celebrated with you. I would have helped you plan. Fuck, I probably would have thrown you a party. But you left me without one word. I thought we shared everything and in the end, I wasn’t even worth a good-bye.”

The fight left Harry and he sunk to the ground. Louis just stared at him. Suddenly Niall was by Harry’s side, coaxing him to get up. “You need to fuck right off,” he said to Louis, venom filing his voice.

“Harry,” Louis said instead. “Harry, that isn’t it. That isn’t it at all.” 

“Fuck off!” Niall raged at him while turning Harry to head back to the house. 

Harry shook Niall off. “No, Niall. Just…give me a minute.”

Niall hesitated. Leaned in trying to speak quietly to Harry. “I think you should come in.” 

Louis lashed out. “I think you should leave us alone.” 

Niall flipped around and put himself between Harry and Louis, staring Louis down. “I don’t think I’m going to do that. You need to get the fuck out of here.”

Harry grabbed Niall by the shoulder. “No, Niall. I’m fine. Really.”

Louis watched as the two had a silent conversation with their eyes. He pushed down the immediately flare of jealousy that was preparing to burst out. That used to be him and Harry. And he’d fucked it all up.

“I fucked up, Harry.” He blurted it out. “I fucked up. I left. The one person who I never should have left. I left. And I have regretted it ever since.” He took a step towards Harry, who looked like he might crumple at any moment. He totally ignored the seething Niall standing at his side. “Every day. I have regretted it. Please. I am so sorry. It was never meant to hurt you. Fuck, it was supposed to protect you. Or I guess, protect what we had.” He grabbed his hair in frustration. He wanted to wrap Harry in a hug again. 

“How can leaving me protect me, Louis? You’re ridiculous. You’re not making any sense.” Harry stepped back, eyes full of sadness. “You know what, just go. I was wrong. You should leave again. You are good at it.” He stormed off toward the house. Louis reached out by Niall stuck his ground, blocking Louis from following. 

Louis watched as Harry walked away, watched him transition from angry to defeated; the slumping shoulders breaking his heart. How did he keep hurting Harry, the one person who had stood by him through everything? Harry had been his unwavering friend since the day he toddled over to their house when Harry’s family moved in next door. Through every major triumph and tribulation of childhood through high school. 

Louis had known what he wanted. Stardom. Fame. The exciting life so far from their small town. But deep down, he knew he was a coward. He ran so that Harry would never know his biggest secret. He was as ashamed now as he was then.

Louis turned to Niall after Harry was out of sight. He took a few deep breaths. “Is he happy?” He felt his voice break and swallowed through the thickness in his throat.

He watched Niall’s expression as he considered the question. The man exhaled slowly before answering. “Yeah. He’s happy. He is really happy.” Niall sounded resigned. “He’s got a good thing here, you know.”

Louis nodded. “I’m glad.” Louis felt his eyes start to well up. Fuck. This was up there as the absolute worst day of his life. He looked at Niall again. “I’m glad he found someone,” he said softly before turning back to his car. 

“Found someone? What the…” Louis felt the hand grab him. “Whoa,” came Niall’s voice. “Mate. You’ve got it all wrong.” The grip on his arm was strong. “All wrong.” 

Louis turned back. Niall was scratching at his head and mumbling to himself. He finally seemed to come to some sort of conclusion. “Faacck!” His loud yell startled Louis. “Come along then. Bring that rat trap of a car and park it over there.” He pointed off into the general area of the house and stomped off following Harry, muttering the whole way.

 


	3. Never See the Sun

It took him a while, but he finally got the courage to leave his parked car, grab his backpack, and go into the house again. Clearly Harry wasn’t going to come out again. Louis assumed Niall was somewhere inside as well, but could only guess. He’d left Louis to make his own way back. 

Harry was nowhere to be found when Louis came into the house. He looked in the living room and poked his head in the kitchen. He took a moment to admire the space. It was everything that Louis’ wasn’t. Clearly Harry spent a lot of time in here. There were little notes to himself on the fridge, the widest assortment of pots and pans hanging from a center rack over the expansive island. Bits and pieces of Harry were everywhere. A stark contrast to his kitchen which practically only held takeout containers and beer.

Well, shit. What was he supposed to do? He didn’t really want to go wandering through the house looking for Harry. He figured he needed some time to come back and they could talk. Louis could apologize again, as much as it killed him to ever do so. He decided to camp out in the living room.

“Suck it up, Lou, and give Liam a call,” he said to himself once he was settled. The dog startled him by jumping up beside him and curling into his legs. “Oscar, is it?” He gave the dog a quick pet on the head. “You don’t seem too grouchy to me there fella,” he said. 

He pulled his phone out of his backpack and powered it back on. Liam had made him promise to keep it off for the drive, stay of social media – all the warnings he’d heard before to ‘protect himself’ against the sting of public life. But he did need to let Liam know he was here, for however long.

Louis could tell by the harried “‘Lo” that is wasn’t going well.

“I’m doing what I can, Louis, but this has blown up. Every major entertainment, and non-entertainment really, outlet has run the picture. My phone is going non-stop. Twitter and Tumblr are having meltdowns, arguing if it is really you, and your fans are ready to go to the streets with pitchforks.”

Louis felt ill. “So what do I do, Liam?” 

“You at your friend’s house?” Liam asked. “You good there for a while?”

“Yeah, I am,” he said, hoping he was right. “I think so. I’ll let you know if anything changes.”

“You think so?” Liam screeched into the phone. “Louis, you need to be damn sure that you are okay there. Damn sure. How much do you trust this guy?”

“I trust him with my life, Liam. We’ve been over this. But if anything changes I’ll let you know.”

Louis heard the deep sigh. “Okay, well as long as he keeps his mouth shut and no one else sees you, it should be okay. You are worth a lot of money right now Louis.”

Louis felt his gut clench. “Well, Liam…”

“What. Did. You. Do?” The voice was icy.

“Well, it’s just that,” Louis struggled a bit.

Liam actually growled on the other end. “Spit it out, Louis.”

“There’s someone else here, actually.” The words came out like a run on sentence. 

The silence on the other end was deafening. 

Louis checked to see if the phone was still connected. “Liam? Did you hear me?”

“Yeah, I fucking heard you! What the fuck Louis? You said ‘middle of nowhere!’” The sounds of stomping came through the phone and Louis could see Liam pacing in his office, something he only did when he was at wits end.

“I know, I know! I thought it was. I mean, it is the middle of nowhere. But his office is at his house and it’s bigger than I thought, and I just,” Louis collapsed on himself. “I think it will be okay. I trust Harry, and he seems to be very close, too close really, with –“ Louis words stopped as Harry came around the corner, murder on his face. “Uh – I have to go.” He ignored Liam's sputtering as he shut down his phone. 

“Middle of nowhere, Louis? Is that what you thought of me?” The hurt coated the anger in Harry’s voice. “You are a real piece of work. You leave for ten years, turn your back on everyone you used to know to become a big star, and then have the audacity to just show up, insult where I live, where we both fucking lived, and my friends.”

Louis had jumped off the couch while Harry spoke, startling the dog. “No, that’s not it,” he rushed towards Harry. “Not it at all, Harry.” He would do anything to wipe the look off Harry’s face. “Here, sit down. Please, let me explain it all.”

It took another plea and a long silence before Harry finally sat tentatively on the edge of the couch. He looked ready to bolt at the first wrong word. “I need a place to stay, a very private place, because I fucked up.” His words were met with a cold stare. “At least I think I fucked up. I am not really sure.” God, why was this so hard? “Something happened, and I got photographed, at least I think it was me, and now it is everywhere and my manager asked me to find a safe place. You were who I thought of. It’s always been you,” Louis said softly. 

He felt the ice begin to melt on Harry. Tried to ignore the wetness in Harry’s eyes. 

“You were who I thought of. The only one I could trust right now. I know I was a dick before. Eventually I will have to explain everything to you, Harry. I promise I will. But right now, I need a safe space. I wasn’t insulting it. Honestly, this is the only place I can be.”

He hoped that Harry could still read him as well as he used to be able to and would see the honesty of what he was saying. “If you want me to go, I will. But please, let me stay.”

Harry cleared his throat. “I don’t want you to go, Louis. I’d given up on wishing you’d come back, but if you leave now…” His voice trailed off. Louis waited for Harry to work through his thoughts. “But first, do you have a problem with Niall because I am gay?”

“I don’t have a problem with Niall,” he started before Harry had finished his sentence. “Wait, what?” Louis felt the shock run through his body. 

Harry started to withdraw, unconsciously leaning back to put even more distance between them. “Because if you do, you can’t stay. It’s who I am, Louis, and I am not going to apologize for it.” Harry stuck out his chin. Louis could see how much it cost him to say. 

He was reeling. Harry was fucking gay. Gay. He’d run to protect his secret and here it was. His best friend. And it was too late. Fuck he was stupid. “Gay?” It was all he could get his mind to spit out. 

Harry pulled back and stood up. “Yeah. Gay. If it is a problem, get the fuck out Louis.” There was venom in his voice. 

He put his hands up in defense. “No,” he said. “No! Not a problem. Not a problem at all.” His mind was racing. He had no words. He had too many words. What an idiot he had been. 

Harry nodded. “Fine. Then you can stay.” Harry looked around. “Niall,” he called. Niall popped his head around the corner and Louis realized that he’d been listening to the whole conversation. “Put your bag in the first bedroom. Niall will show you.” 

Louis nodded. “Thanks, Haz.” He tried to not notice the long blink Harry took at the old nickname. He dreaded what he had to say next. “Uh, Harry? There’s one more thing.”

Harry stilled at the words, eyebrow raised in question. 

“It is really important that,” he stumbled over his words. God, he was usually so much better at talking to people! “It’s just that, no one can know I am here.”

Harry huffed out a quick breath and rolled his eyes. “I’m not going to say anything,” Harry replied, eyes filled with hurt betrayed him. 

“Right, I know, just…” he glanced at Niall, whose eyes flew up.

“Fuck off mate! Who am I going to tell?!” Niall was almost comical in his reaction. 

Louis sighed in relief before noticing that murder had taken over Harry’s face again. “Sorry, no offense,” he tried to say to Niall. “I’m just –“

“Yeah, we get it,” Harry said pointedly. “Niall and I aren’t stupid.”

Niall’s eyes flew between the two of them. “Uh, Harry. Don’t you think –“ he started but Harry cut him off.

“No, I fucking don’t.” Harry turned and stormed out of the room. Louis was pretty sure it was a lifetime record for Harry storming away from him. He’d been naïve to think that they could start from anywhere near where they left off.

Niall looked at the empty doorway that Harry had just disappeared through. 

“What?” Louis asked. “What were you going to say?”

Niall glared at the doorway. “Fucking nothing. Never mind. It’s Harry’s to tell.” He sighed deeply. “Follow me.”

***

He wasn’t sure if it was the incredibly long day or the fresh Montana air, or maybe even the extreme emotional rollercoaster, but he fell asleep shortly after shedding his clothes and crawling into the large bed in Harry’s spare room.

He hadn’t stayed that way. He woke up throughout the night, startled out of sleep by some dream or another. Maybe by a guilty conscience. He only spent an hour or two wondering if Niall was currently wrapped up in Harry’s arms, comforting him. He strained to hear sounds from the rest of the house but it was silent in a way that LA never could be. Only the occasional click click click of Oscar’s paws on the hardwood. 

He must have fallen asleep again properly some time in the early morning because he woke and could hear Harry moving around. He drifted in and out of sleep, stuck in that in between world, but eventually came to wake fully.

Louis listened to the sounds of the TV through the wall. The anxiety around Harry’s obvious, and deserved, anger keeping him from getting up. He wanted nothing more than to run out and start chatting with him, like he would have years ago. They would have laughed and been ridiculous together. But everything was different.

After twenty minutes just listening to the TV, he decided to grab some courage and go join Harry in the living room. He gathered himself while throwing on some ragged jeans, cursing Liam for not giving him time to actually pack properly, and peaked into the room. Harry was sprawled on the couch with the TV on but wasn’t actually looking at it. 

“Hey,” he said, coming into the room. “Whatcha watching?”

Harry startled from his spot on the couch. “Oh, I- uh…” Harry glanced at the TV.

Louis chuckled. “Got your attention does it?”

Harry reddened. “Yeah, Was just thinking, I guess.”

Louis went over to sit with him, pushing his feet up out of the way. Old habits and all that, he figured. Harry scrunched himself up to make room for Louis. It felt so familiar. “Can’t imagine about what,” Louis said, allowing the teasing to enter his voice. He was an actor, dammit. He could act his way through the awkwardness. 

Harry let out a small, almost silent laugh. “Right. The weather, the economy, you know.” He risked a glance at Louis. 

Louis nudged his knee in recognition of the attempt. All the anger seemed to have left Harry. It was one of the greatest things that Louis remembered. Harry never held a grudge. He was too forgiving, if anything. Louis had always tried to get him to hold on to some of it, angry himself for way longer than Harry if someone did something to him. But Harry always let it go. 

“Where’s Niall,” Louis asked, hoping it showed that it really didn’t bother him. He tried to push away the discomfort at the thought of Harry with Niall. Not a picture he wanted in his head. But he had given up the right to have an opinion about it.

Harry gave Louis a long look. “Went home,” he finally said.

Louis pretended to not hear the warning off tone in Harry’s voice. “Oh, I had just assumed he’d stayed.” He shrugged as if to indicate it wasn’t here nor there to him, but he wondered if Harry saw right through him.

Harry groaned a bit before figuring out how to respond. “Louis, I told you. He only stays if there is something going on with the clinic.”

Louis raised an eyebrow at Harry and gave a little bit of a teasing smile. “Mmhmm. And there was nothing happening at ‘the clinic’ last night?” He gave the air quotes and made his tone just so that Harry would know he meant it as a euphemism. He could do this. He could joke and pretend it wasn’t ripping him apart. 

Harry turned deep red. A red that Louis thought he would have grown out of years ago. It was endearing. It was heart wrenching. 

He didn’t really answer but his color was answer enough. Harry finally cleared his throat. “Not like that,” he said. 

Okay, Louis would let Harry play this game and let him off the hook. He’d made his point. Totally comfortable with the whole gay thing. He could make jokes. 

“Actually there was, last night,” he said before quickly glancing at Louis and adding, “not like that.” Louis gave him a small grin. “The SPCA had dropped off 10 piglets that they had confiscated from a breeder who was treating them absolutely atrociously. That’s why Niall and the others were still here when you got here. Not a usual situation.”

Louis felt sick. “That’s awful. I’m sorry, Harry.” He could see the toll that kind of work had on his friend. He wondered how much of that kind of thing Harry saw. 

“I actually don’t know what is happening at the clinic today. I have been…distracted.” Harry looked at his hands, clearly uncomfortable. “I actually need to get over there soon but I wanted to wait until you got up.”

Louis grinned at him. “Aw, afraid I would make a mess while you were gone?” Louis used teasing as a shield. 

“Obviously,” Harry said. “And,” he took a deep breath to steady himself. “I didn’t want you to sneak away while I was at the clinic.”

Louis swallowed down his guilt; it weighed heavy in his stomach. Clearly Harry didn’t trust him, even after he explained that he had nowhere else to go. How pathetic was that? “Did you look online? You know, Google what happened with me?” He half hoped that Harry had. That he’d never have to come out to his best friend. Explain the reasons he left. 

“No,” Harry said. “I figure you will tell me in your own time.” He gave Louis a small smile. “Plus, none of my business, really, is it?” 

Louis saw a flash of something cross Harry’s features but it was too fast to identify. Harry had gotten better at hiding his true feelings in the last decade. Louis reached out and put a hand on Harry’s arm. “I will,” he said, with more emotion than he realized would come. “I will. I just need time. Get my head straight. Later?” 

Harry smiled. He reached over and gave his hand a squeeze. “Sure, Lou.” 

After grabbing a quick breakfast, Harry offered to have Louis join him over at the clinic. He assured him that no one would be around on the Sunday. It fell to him to feed the animals and do their daily checks.

They made their way across the yard, Oscar faithfully following them. Harry pointed to the far field. “That is where we board larger livestock for longer terms. If they need a safe space away from their herd for some reason or even sometimes just if someone is going away for a vacation.”

Louis could see a single cow out in the field. “Pretty lonely out there for her,” he commented. 

“Ah, that’s Nancy. She has some sort of a bug that we don’t want spreading to the rest of her herd. Usually we’d keep a cow on meds closer, to make it easier to give them antibiotics, but Nancy is a very social cow. She comes for hugs and cuddles everyday. Makes getting her injections easy.” Harry’s voice was filled with warmth for the animal. 

“You cuddle the cow?” Louis tried to picture what that even looked like.

Harry laughed deeply. “Yeah. She loves it.” They kept walking. “Cows are actually very social animals. They can bond quite deeply with humans.”

Louis swallowed the joke he was going to make about steak. He figured Harry might not find the humor in it. Don’t let anyone say he hadn’t grown up, at least a little bit.

They entered the clinic, the smell of antiseptic and animals all mingling together. It was sharp, hit Louis in the back of his mouth. He tried to breath through his mouth.

“You get used to it,” Harry said casually. “Hi Morgana,” he said, sticking his fingers through the cage and wiggling them at a black cat. The cat meowed and sounded like a frog. “How are you recovering?” The cat pushed up against Harry’s fingers. “Morgana is an attention hog. But she had surgery yesterday and is still feel a bit raw,” he told Louis. 

Harry moved down the line of cages, gently greeting each cat, talking softly to them, and explaining their condition to Louis. Occasionally, he would open the door and take a look at something or another. Louis loved just watching him work, mesmerized by the sound of his voice, his confidence with the animals. 

They left the cat room and moved across the building to the dogs. “In you go,” Harry said to Oscar, opening the cage just outside the kennel door. Oscar wagged his tail and happily went in.

“Wow,” Louis said. “He seems perfectly okay with that.”

Harry nodded, pushing open the door to the kennel run, an instant cacophony of barking filling the air. “Oscar gets pretty riled up by the other dogs here, but he likes to be near so he stays in his house while I visit with these guys.” He shrugged, as if it were normal. It was for Harry, Louis reasoned.

The kennel was so loud compared to the cats. They had meowed and interacted with Harry, but it was nothing in comparison to the zoo that was the dog kennels. Dogs were growling, barking, so excited they peed. It was a lot for Louis to take. “I’ll meet you out there,” he said, gesturing back through the door to the kennel. Harry just nodded and kept up his work.

Louis went back out and spoke briefly with Oscar. He wondered if Harry was rubbing off on him or if he was just tired. He wandered through the clinic, poking his head in the exam rooms, marveling at what Harry had built. 

He opened a door and discovered Harry’s office. A large desk covered with neatly stacked papers filled most of the room. There were pictures of animals on the walls and a diploma framed on the wall. Louis crossed the room to look at it. 

He was surprised at how proud he felt looking at the windy script declaring Harry a veterinarian. He had to push back at the tears, imagining Harry crossing the stage, cap in gown. He should have been there. He would have sat in the front row, cheered so loud that Harry would have been embarrassed.

He hadn’t even known. 

“There you are,” Harry said, leaning against the doorframe. “You snooping?” The grin on his face told Louis that he didn’t really mind. Harry had never minded Louis in his space. Never restricted what Louis could see. 

Louis pointed at the diploma. “Pretty cool, Dr. Styles.”

Harry looked bashful. “Thanks,” Harry said, biting his lower lip bashfully. 

“How long does it take? Becoming a vet?” 

“Usually about eight years. Four years bachelor and 4 years vet training.” 

Louis quickly added the math up in his head. “Usually? But, not you?” 

Harry turned a very pleasant shade of pink. “So, when I was in grade 12, I started working for Dr. Mangar. Just cleaning cages and stuff. I loved it so much so he let me kind of follow him around on Saturdays, checking out the animals, learning some basics, that kind of thing.”

Louis nodded to show he understood. 

“He asked me one day if I would ever want to be a vet. I knew right away that I did. So he told me I should take some of the basic university courses online while I was in high school. So, I did. I took ones that earned me credits towards a degree that didn’t require the high school diploma and then just transferred the credits once I was accepted at University.” Harry shrugged, as if it wasn’t impressive. 

Louis just stared at him. “So you just, took university in high school.” He mimicked Harry’s shrug. “No big deal.” He kept his tone flat, pretending to shrug it off like Harry had, just to mock him. 

Harry laughed a little. “Well, it didn’t seem like it at the time. I was working in the clinic anyway, so, it just seemed…smart?” He crinkled his nose as he tried to find the words. “Anyway, with that, and I took summer courses while working at the clinic, I got my degree quite early and Dr. Mangar wrote me a very strong letter of support for my application and I got in first try.”

“That’s really great, Harry.” Louis meant it. He was so proud of him. He wondered if Harry would have done it the same way if Louis had been around. They screwed around so much, he doubted it. Or maybe he was just trying to make himself feel better. “So how did you end up here?”

Harry ushered him out as they talked, locking the clinic on the way out. “Dr. Mangar, actually,” he said. “He let me work here as a full vet as soon as I got my license. I was very lucky.” 

Louis pondered for a minute. “So this is Dr. Mangar’s clinic? But it has your name on it. I freaking goggled it?” 

Harry was quiet for a minute. “Yeah. He had brain cancer. No one knew. I think he knew even when I was back in high school. Looking back, I think he sort of, picked me?” Harry scuffed his foot in the dry earth while he talked, looking unsure. “He died about a year ago, left me everything. He didn’t have any family, so I guess, he kind of picked me to replace him.” 

Louis reached out and placed a comforting hand on Harry’s arm. “I’m sorry, Harry. It sounds like he was very special to you.” 

Harry nodded, swallowing quickly. Louis could see him holding back the emotion. “He really helped me when…” he took a breath. “He helped me a lot and I was not expecting all this. It was overwhelming at first, but now I just feel a responsibility to carry on his work.” 

Louis’ heart tugged at him. A feeling that he had pushed aside for so long. One he didn’t like to remember. Harry was so special. Everyone knew. He affected everyone he came across. “I’m so proud of you, Harry.

Harry smiled at Louis, his first really genuine smile of companionship since Louis had arrived. He felt like the sun had shone on him, warmth filling his body just at the sight of it. He had forgotten what it had been like to be in Harry’s presence. To have him smile like that. 

They went into the house and Harry plunked down on the couch. He put his head back and closed his eyes, swinging an arm across his forehead. 

Louis looked at the length of him. Took advantage of the ability to stare for a second without Harry noticing. He looked amazing, spread out on the couch, long limbs, hair spread across the arm of the couch. “Tired?” Louis asked, not quite sure what to do with himself. He reverted to his natural defense system of talking instead. 

Harry opened one eye. Peaked out blearily from under his arm and groaned. “Didn’t sleep well.”

Louis huffed. “Yeah, me either.” He stood awkwardly, not sure if he should sit down in the chair, or push Harry’s legs out of the way to make room for himself. It was like he didn’t know his place anymore and wasn’t comfortable to make one. 

Suddenly Harry swung his legs off the couch and turned to Louis. He opened his arms up and said, “Come here.” 

Louis lunged into his arms. He gave Harry no chance to take it back. To second-guess. He practically attacked him with how fast he lunged into the hug. 

It was like no time had passed. They had sat like this probably thousands of times, watching movies, talking about life. It had always been this way for them. It is what drove Louis’ Aunt crazy, made her say that Harry wasn’t good for Louis. She had never been kind to Harry, looked down on the younger boy who was “bringing Louis down.” If only she’d known how Harry had been the one to teach him how to be someone. 

Louis had often wondered what life would have been like if his mom had survived the car crash, had raised him. But he figured he probably wouldn’t have met Harry. They would have kept living in the city and maybe only visited his aunt on rare holidays. There was apparently no love lost between the sisters. But she took Louis in, when he was barely more than a toddler.

He had spent time over the past ten years trying to forgive her. For trying to get him to cover his natural tendencies. For pushing him to be anything other than what he was. What he had always known he was. 

She had known too, had she been honest. It was why she hated Harry, even though she had never put those words to it. They were too close for it to be ‘natural.’ But it hadn’t mattered. Louis was attached to Harry, and Harry to him, and any attempts to keep them apart always backfired. Until Louis had done it himself, he though guiltily, and not for the first time.

Well, he had showed her. He left without looking back. At least, not for her. He cursed her for ever making him feel like he needed to hide who he truly was. Even though he still felt like it didn’t define him. Not really. But it was a pretty big secret to keep. First from Harry and then from the world. He often wished he had just been honest from the beginning, screw his aunt and her bullshit, and let life take it from there. 

And now, wrapped back up in Harry’s arms, Louis wondered how he had ever walked away from this. How he had survived without this boy, man now, in his life. He took a deep breath in and lived in the smell of him. The warmth in his arms. 

Words wouldn’t come. He felt broken, barely together. He closed his eyes and rested his head against Harry’s chest, the beating of Harry’s heart under his ear, keeping him steady. He wondered if Harry felt the same sense of piece, like a lost thing found again. He listened to the thump thump, thump thump of Harry’s heart, beating strongly in his chest. Thump Thump, Thump thump.


	4. Scared of the Dark

Louis woke up from a really deep sleep. He pulled slowly out of it, consciousness coming in bits and pieces. His mind couldn’t fill in where he was, but he was aware of a body against his face. 

Harry.

He was laying on Harry. Harry’s arm was heavy, resting on his side. He was with Harry. He sunk back into oblivion. Harry would keep him safe. 

The second time he woke, the leg below him was stiff, hard. The arm was gone. Louis groaned and the leg stiffened further. Harry sucked in a breath above him. Louis went to move, to pull away when the realization hit. His head was securely in Harry’s lap. 

And Harry was hard. 

Louis could feel the outline of him beneath the side of his face. He has nestled right in, as if he had a right, in his sleep. And Harry hadn’t moved him. But apparently Louis had affected him.

He laid there in horror. How should he handle this. Fuck. What an idiot he was! How did he fall so far asleep. How could he sit up? Pretend he hadn’t noticed? Laugh it off? 

Fuck Fuck Fuckity Fuck!! His brain was screaming at him to move. It became overwhelming. 

He snapped up to sitting, eyes flying to Harry’s. Harry was red in the face. So red. He jerked at Louis sudden movement.

Louis jumped from the couch. “Sorry! I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”

Harry had grabbed a pillow and used it to shield himself but Louis could tell that he knew that Louis had noticed.

Louis turned away to give him some privacy. 

Harry pushed himself off the couch and rushed out of the room. “I’m so sorry,” he mumbled on his way by.

It took Harry an hour and a half to come back. Ninety minutes where every possible scenario went through Louis’ mind. From leaving, to hiding in his room, to racing after Harry and pinning him to the mattress. Instead he sat and waited. 

It was late. Almost 8:00 by the time Harry came out. Louis realized he has slept right through dinner. He figured that eventually, if the rumbling in his stomach was any indication, Harry would be hungry too. 

He was proven right. He didn’t see Harry come through the room, but heard him moving around the kitchen. He got up from the couch and went into the kitchen. Harry’s eyes were rimmed red. Clearly he had been crying. Louis heart lurched in his chest. Fuck, he’d made Harry cry.

“Harry,” he said carefully. “You okay?”

Harry snorted a laugh. “Yeah. Fine.”

Louis smiled. “It’s ah-“ he gestured to Harry’s groin. “It’s okay.” 

He expected the color to come rushing back into Harry’s face. Harry dropped his head in embarrassment but didn’t say anything.

“No, really. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have fallen asleep on you.” He looked, trying to get Harry to meet his gaze. Harry wouldn’t. Louis crossed the kitchen and gently put his fist under Harry’s chin, forcing him to look up. Harry’s eyes were full of misery. “Probably best to not mention it to Niall though, yeah?” He was trying to joke, make it a little lighter. 

Harry closed his eyes tightly. “Fuck,” he breathed out. 

“I won’t tell him,” Louis rushed to say. “Not a word. Not one word.”

Harry opened his eyes. “Niall is just a friend, Louis.” 

Louis looked for the lie. “Friend?”

“Yeah, I told you, just a friend. A great friend.” He took a deep breath. “My best friend,” he added softly. “But just a friend.”

Emotions were swirling through Louis. Just a friend? But how – ? It felt like a punch to the gut to hear ‘best friend.’ That was Louis. It was always supposed to be Louis. 

But it wasn’t anymore. 

“So,” Louis started hesitating briefly. “He’s not your…”

Harry quickly shook his head. “No, not my anything. My friend. My coworker but not my… boyfriend.” The word rushed out at the end, like Harry was afraid to say it. 

Louis took a deep breath, not sure if he wanted the answer to the next question. “So, do you have one? A boyfriend, I mean?”

Harry met his eyes. He gave his head a small shake, color rising in his face again. “No.” He looked away quickly. 

“Harry,” Louis said, softly raising his chin. “We really need to talk.”

Harry nodded, took a deep breath and pushed himself off the counter edge. “First we need to eat. I’m dying here.” The hesitant low laugh was like a balm to Louis emotions. 

“God, me too. You going to put all this stuff to good use?” Louis gestured expansively across the large kitchen.

“Sure am,” he said, smile broadening across his face. “But first,” he reached up into a cupboard and pulled out a bottle of wine. “I think we need this.”

“Couldn’t agree more,” Louis said laughing. 

They opened the bottle and Harry got busy pulling items out of the fridge. He tried to get Louis to help by chopping up some onion but quickly reclaimed the knife with a grasp. “Okay, no knife for you,” he said. 

“Hey, I can help,” Louis said indignantly. He tried to put a lot more confidence into his voice than he actually felt. 

“You are in charge of the pasta, then,” Harry said, pulling out a large pot. “I’ll let you know when to put the water on to boil and then when to add the pasta. Deal?”

Louis nodded. Yep, pasta he could do. 

So Harry worked around him, chopping up spinach, crumbling feta, dicing and cooking chicken. Louis thought that it must be like watching a cooking show, if he had ever done that. He marveled at Harry moving so assuredly through the kitchen. Gone were all traces of hesitancy. Louis wondered what it would be like to see him working with animals. Probably more than his heart could take.

They laughed and joked as they worked. Louis was pretty proud of his contribution, even if he didn’t know to add olive oil to the water, or how to tell if the pasta was done. Harry guided him along, happy to be helping. As if the missing years were irrelevant. 

They ate in gentle companionship. Louis repeatedly told Harry how amazing the food was. Every time he hoped Harry heard the real message of how amazing he was. But Harry brushed it off. Louis tried not to let thoughts of his current predicament in. Or think about the impending conversation. Or how much he would actually reveal.

But as the meal came to a close, both of them so full they could burst, Louis’ mind kept drifting. Was there any way to give half a story? Did he have to let Harry know what he’d been caught doing? He thought he’d be too embarrassed to tell him that he’d been so drunk he couldn’t remember anything. But how could he not? 

“Louis, you are thinking so hard, it’s coming out your ears.” Harry grabbed Louis plate before he could. 

It was his turn to turn red. “Sorry. A lot on my mind.” 

Harry hummed in acknowledgment. “Hmm. So it’s that time, is it?” Harry raised an eyebrow at him.

Louis exhaled loudly, stomach in knots. “Yeah, I guess so. Living room?”

Harry smiled briefly. “Sure. I’ll get more wine. I think we will need it.”

Louis nestled back into the couch and was happy when Harry tucked in beside him. He felt like the small touch between their legs anchored him.

Harry smiled at him and handed him a glass of wine. Small gesture of encouragement, he figured. Okay, he could do this. 

“Someone took a picture of me,” he started. Harry nodded that he was with him. “It was late at night, I think. Outside a club.” He took a big sip of wine. Harry squeezed his knee. It fortified him a bit. “Okay, outside a club, with someone’s,” he cleared his throat. God, this was so hard. He couldn’t look at Harry, had to look at his glass of wine. “Someone’s hand down my pants. The media picked it up right away. My manager, Liam, grabbed me in yesterday morning from my house, borrowed the car out there for me and sent me away from everything.”

Okay, like a band-aid. It was out there. Harry was silent. 

Louis risked a glance up at him. Harry’s face was cloudy. Eyebrows twisted. “Who was it?” He asked softly. “Someone famous?”

Louis shook his head. “Uh, no. At least I don’t think so?” He hated the question in his voice, the confusion on Harry’s face. “I can’t exactly remember.” He said it so quietly he half hoped Harry hadn’t heard him.

“Can’t remember.” It was a statement more than a question. “As in, too drunk to remember?” 

Louis took a deep breath. “Yeah. I guess. I honestly don’t remember drinking that much. Like, that wasn’t the plan at all. I remember being at the club, and then I was dragged out of my bed by my manager.” He figured it was best to leave out the other body in the bed. He didn’t have to tell Harry everything. “I had to find somewhere where the paparazzi couldn’t find me, somewhere I’d be safe. So I came here.”

He had hoped that Harry would focus on the coming here part of his story but no luck. “And you have no recollection of some woman bringing you off in the alleyway?” Incredulousness filled Harry’s voice. 

Louis felt his face color. He coughed trying to clear his throat. “Well,” he cleared it again. Fuck, this was so hard. “Some man’s, actually.”

Three things happened simultaneously. Louis felt more than saw the wine get spit out of Harry’s mouth, Harry started choking on inhaled wine, and Louis spilt his own glass all over himself trying to avoid the spray. 

He jumped up from the couch and started hitting Harry on the back. Harry tried to wave him off while still coughing. Louis shirt was drenched with red wine. It was a mess. 

As Harry got himself back under control, he took some deep breaths, only to break into smaller coughing fits Louis ran to the kitchen to grab a towel to start wiping off the wine but he knew he’d need a new shirt. 

He came back to the living room and Harry was basically back to normal, just rather red, trying to wipe off the couch the best he could. “Here, let me get that,” Louis said. Thank God the couch was brown. It was stained but hopefully would blend in. 

He kept wiping and wiping until Harry finally reached out and laid a hand on his, stopping him from grinding any more into the couch. “Louis, look at me,” he spoke, so softly that it was like a caress. 

Louis raised his face. It was so hard to look Harry in the eye. But all he saw was compassion. Mixed with a little bit of a question, if he was to be honest. 

“So,” he said, “you don’t remember how this happened?” Louis just shook his head. “And you don’t know who the, ahem, man was?” Harry tried not to blush but it snuck up anyway. Louis just shook his head again. Shame filling him, he couldn’t meet Harry’s eyes again..

“Hey,” Harry said. “Look at me Lou.” Harry touched his cheek. “It’s okay. You were right to come here.”

Louis nodded. He tried to stop his eyes from filling with tears, looked to the ceiling. That was supposed to help, wasn’t it? But it was no use. He couldn't stop them once they started. He tried to breath through it but it turned into a giant sob. 

“Come here,” Harry said, gathering him into his arms. “Fuck, Lou, it’s okay. It’ll be okay.”

Louis wasn’t sure how long Harry held him, muttering words of encouragement and consolation to him, but he eventually had worked himself through it and pulled away. “Damn,” he said, voice scratchy. “Quite the reunion, yeah?” A watery laugh escaped him.

Harry just smiled. “Better than nothing, Louis. Way better than nothing.”

They settled back into the couch. Louis could feel Harry coming up with question after question in his head, only to shake them off, give Louis his space. Louis got it. It was a lot to take in. “Harry, it’s okay. Ask away.” 

Harry was silent as he got his thoughts together. He finally shook his head and said, “I’m not sure where to start, honestly. I feel like everything I want to know is your business, not mine. And the other stuff I want to know is either not as important, or maybe more important, and I…I just don’t even know where to start.” He shook his head and shrugged as if defeated.

Louis thought for a minute. This was Harry. His life long friend. Was there anything he wouldn’t tell him. Well, he figured, there was one thing, maybe the biggest thing. But that would never come out. He spent the last ten years running from it to make sure. But otherwise, he had to be honest. He owed Harry that.

“How about this,” he said. “How about you ask anything you want and if it isn’t something I want to answer, I’ll tell you. No hurt feelings. If it is something I can’t answer, I’ll let you know. But Harry, I think you deserve the truth.” Or at least a version of the truth.

Harry thought on it for a moment. He took a deep breath. “Okay, deal.” He looked Louis in the eye. “So, was this a one time thing or –“

Louis smiled. “You mean do I randomly get felt up by strangers and exposed by the paparazzi? No, Harry,” he laughed. “This would be the first. But if what you are really asking me is am I gay?” Harry’s eyes snapped to him. “Yeah. I’m gay.” God it felt good to say it out loud.

Harry’s eyes widened. He swallowed. “Okay, yeah. Okay.” He stood up, turned around, sat down again, hands on his knees. He looked at Louis again before standing suddenly. “Give me a minute,” he said and darted from the room. 

Louis’ heart sank. Fuck. He felt dejected. Rejected. Like his worst fears had been realized. His eyes started to well up again. He quickly wiped them with his hands. He wouldn’t do this. He wouldn’t cry. Fuck it all, he thought.

Then Harry was back. “Sorry,” he mumbled. “Sorry. I’m okay.” He grabbed Louis’ hands. “God Louis, I had no idea. None. No idea whatsoever. Fuck, how long have you known.” His presence was intense. He was staring at Louis, as if looking into his soul.

“My whole life.” He shrugged. Tried to pretend he didn’t see the shock in Harry’s face. “I’ve always known. I think my aunt always knew. Since I knew what it meant, I knew that was me.”

Harry nodded. “I get it. Man, do I get it. I just never…” Harry shook his head. “You never said. You never told me,” the voice was quiet, hesitant. Hurt.

Louis laughed a watery laugh. “I know what you mean. He gestured to Harry. “I mean, I never knew about you either. How is that possible?” Louis wanted to scream at the universe.

Harry shrugged. “I didn’t know as early as you. I mean, I knew I always –“ he broke off and started again after clearing his throat. “I didn’t figure it out until I got a girlfriend in grade 12.”

Until that moment, Louis had never known he could be jealous of a grade 12 girl. 

“I tried. I honestly did. She was nice. Sweet. But I couldn’t get into, you know,” he looked suggestively at Louis. “Couldn’t get into it. I broke it off after a couple weeks. I think then I knew.”

Louis nodded and squeezed Harry’s hand. “So you’ve never, you know, with a girl?” 

Harry shook his head. “Nope.”

“Yeah. Me either,” he said, feeling like a teenager confessing a big secret.

He saw Harry’s eyes blink and then flick to the wall of DVDs. It was fast by Louis caught it. He laughed. 

“You know that is all fake, yeah?” He gestured to the wall with his head. 

Harry colored. “Yeah, of course. But, like, it’s uh, pretty, uh..”

“Convincing?” Louis finished for him.

Harry laughed. “Yeah. Convincing, I guess.”

“It’s all fake, Harry.” He squeezed his hands to emphasize. “Super fake.” He took a deep breath. “My whole life is pretty much fake, if I’m honest.” Hurt squeezed at him. “Everything is in the name of the show, my whole identity is kind of wrapped up in that, so you can imagine this whole, paparazzi thing. It’s pretty bad.” 

Anger flashed through Harry’s face. “So someone is outing you?”

Louis hadn’t thought of it quite like that. “I guess. I don’t know. I have no idea how they found me. I was in a small, out of the way club. Completely off the normal celebrity grid. I have no idea what a photog was doing there. Or how they knew I’d be there.”

Harry was nodding. “Was it, you know, a gay club?”

Louis nodded slowly. “Yeah. It was.” He let out a big breath.

“Did you go alone?” Harry couldn’t meet his eyes. Why was this so awkward?

“Yeah. Alone. I just needed,” he tried to put his finger on it, give it words that would make sense. “My whole life is a lie. I just needed to be authentic for a moment. By myself. Be myself. Without all the ‘Louis Tomlinson’ bullshit. Just be, you know. Me.”

Harry nodded and actually looked like he understood. “And that is where you go when you,” he cleared his throat again, “need to be you?”

Louis felt the blood rush to his face. “Almost never. I’d been a couple times before, but spread out over years. I have to be so careful, Harry. You don’t even know. No one but my manager and now you knows for sure.”

“And the millions of people who saw the pictures online?” Harry asked. 

Louis wanted to throw up. “I guess. Liam says that there is a debate over whether or not it is actually me.” 

Harry nodded. “So how did they find you then? Did someone tip them off?” 

“I don’t know. I don’t think so. But I don’t see how else it would happen. But I also don’t know how I could have got that drunk. I honestly don’t remember drinking more than two or three. Everything is so confusing.” 

“Could someone have followed you? Did you drive there?” Harry was trying to process everything that Louis had a few more hours to work through.

Louis hadn’t thought of his car. “Fuck. It must still be at the club.” Panic started to run through him. His car would have been there 2 days at this point. Would it have been towed? “I need to call Liam.”

Harry nodded as Louis grabbed his phone. He hadn’t realized how late it was. The phone buzzed with a slew of texts and missed calls notifications. He hadn’t realized how nice being unattached from the phone over the past two days had been.

My car is at the club.

He sent the text to Liam. Less than 5 seconds later the phone was ringing. “That didn’t take long,” he said to Harry. 

“Louis,” Liam's voice came over the speaker. “I had it picked up for you. But listen,” 

Louis interrupted. “Uh, Liam, you are on speaker. Harry’s here.”

There was silence. Harry filled it in with a deep “Lo, Liam.” 

“Do you need me on speaker,” Liam asked. 

“Harry knows. Everything. It’s okay.” He pretended that he didn’t hear the intake of breath on Liam’s side. He was glad Harry seemed to be doing the same. 

“Uh, Everything, Louis, like –“ 

Harry tried to hide a grin. Louis guessed that Liam had probably just confirmed for him without knowing it that it was unheard of for Louis to tell his secret.

“Yeah, Liam. He knows.” Louis knew that he had a lot of trust to build with Harry. He figured the quickest way was to show that he had nothing to hide from him. “Now, my car?”

“Right. Fuck Louis, I don’t know how to say this,” Liam took a deep breath. “So I sent Spencer over to pick it up.”

“He must have loved that,” Liam said laughing. Spencer was a relatively young assistant to Liam, but one that he trusted. 

“Yeah,” Liam said with a small laugh. “Anyway, I had someone I know who is a beast in private security take a look at it.” 

“Security?” Louis asked. Harry’s brows were furrowed. 

“Yeah, on a hunch. So, not sure how to tell you this, but, he found a tracker in the wheel well.” 

Harry’s eyebrows shot up mirroring the shock that Louis was feeling. “A tracker? As in someone was tracking me?” His world sort of swam in front of his eyes. Harry reached out and put a steadying hand on his knee.

“Exactly what we think. That someone was tracking you and followed you to the bar. Do you have any idea who would do that? Have you met someone recently that maybe…” Liam let the insinuation sit. He should have known better. 

Harry looked like he didn’t really want to know the answer. Turned his head away as if to give Louis the privacy to answer, mouth set in a firm line. God, Louis had missed the expressiveness of Harry’s face.

“No,” he said with probably too much enthusiasm. “No one, Liam.”

“Well, my friend is trying to trace it, see what he can find. You need to stay there for now, as long as that is okay?” Liam let the question hang.

“He’s fine here,” Harry startled Louis with the vehemence in his voice. “For as long as he needs.” He gave Louis a short, succinct nod, barring any further discussion.

“Should we make a statement or anything? About the, you know, photo.” Louis felt the blood rushing to his face. Harry just looked away again. 

“No, I don’t think so. Not until we figure this out. So far the online discussion, and your die-hard fans, are saying it isn’t you, so that is good I guess. Let them speak for us right now. If we make a statement I am a little worried more pictures will come out, although I haven’t been contacted.”

“But you weren’t contacted before these ones either,” Louis said. 

“I know. It’s weird. Maybe it is just too big of a story? I don’t know. But anyway, have you remembered anything, anything at all?”

“Nothing. I was at the club, had a few drinks, but nothing that would get me totally tossed like that. And then you woke me up.” Best to speed over that bit, he figured. He wondered if Liam had caught the careful wording. 

“Well, I am going to chat with the guy, see if he knows anything.” Okay, Liam didn’t pick up on the careful wording. Harry’s eyes snapped to him full of questions. “He signed the nondisclosure and there has been no sign of him talking, so that is good. Honestly right now all we can do is wait for it to either blow over or blow up further.” Liam took a deep breath. “The studio called. Simon is, of course, pissed. Threatening this and that.” Louis’ heart sank. Everything he had done to try and avoid this for years, and it could all be over. “But so far he doesn’t have a leg to stand on. The picture is too blurry to prove it is you. Best to wait and see at the moment.” 

“Um, should I send a nondisclosure to you by email?” Liam asked hesitantly. “For, um –“

Louis cut him off at Harry’s murderous look. “No, Liam, that’s fine.”

Louis thanked Liam and hung up. The silence in the room was suffocating. Harry stood and looked out the window. At the expanse of yard and buildings that were all his. 

“I’ll sign whatever you need me to, Louis. And I can get Niall to do the same.” Harry didn’t turn from the window. 

Louis sank back into the couch put his fists to his forehead. He wanted to scream. Loudly. Fuck! It was like he gained an inch and kept falling back a mile. “You just heard me tell him it wasn’t necessary.” Louis got up and went to the window behind Harry. He placed his hand on Harry’s shoulder, felt the muscles clench under his hand. “I trust you. I don’t know how else to prove it, Harry. I trust you.”

Harry’s shoulders relaxed and fell but he didn’t turn. “I thought you didn’t know who was in the picture with you?” The accusation was strong in the statement even if the voice sounded weak.

“I don’t. I don’t know him at all,” Louis said. 

“Well how is Liam going to talk to him then?” Exasperation filled Harry’s voice. “How did he get him to sign one of your nondisclosures?” Harry spun around from the window. “I mean, Louis. You tell me to trust you, that you trust me, and at every turn there is something glaring that says you aren’t telling the truth?”

“I don’t know him!” Louis practically yelled. “I don’t, okay? I woke up hungover, with Liam banging at my door, my phone going ballistic and some guy I had never seen before in my bed!”

Harry looked as if he’d been slapped. “Your bed.” It wasn’t a question. Just a flat statement. He shook his head. “Never mind, it is none of my business.” He went to step around Louis.

“No,” Louis put his hand up to stop him from leaving. “It is, it’s not a secret, it’s just –“ 

“Well why didn’t you tell me then?” Harry asked, voice rough.

“I was embarrassed! Okay?” Louis exploded out of insecurity. “I fucking woke up after getting off my knob drunk, with no recollection, and no idea who the fuck was in my bed! Not exactly how I want you to see me now, you know?” 

“Oh, and you care how I see you? What I think of you? Is that it now, Louis?” Harry yelled back. 

“Fuck! Yes, Harry. Now, then. Always.” Louis ran his hands through his hair in frustration. “Why do you think I fucking left? I couldn’t bare the thought of you thinking badly of me. To have you know about me and find it, I don’t know, disgusting or something!” Shit. He hadn’t meant to say that.

Harry’s eyes flew wide open. His mouth opened and closed. He stared at Louis until Louis had to look away. Step away. It was Harry’s turn to reach out and stop him. “You left because you thought I would think you were disgusting?” Louis couldn’t meet his eye. “Is that how little you thought of me. That I would stop being your friend because you were gay?” Hurt clouded Harry’s features.

Louis had no answer. He felt so small. Harry curled his had around Louis’ arm, squeezing it and giving a little shake. “Fucking answer me Louis! Is that what you thought?”

“No,” he said, voice shaky. “Not really. But,”

“But it was.” Harry finished the sentence for him. “You’d rather have me think our friendship, my whole life for fuck’s sakes, was nothing to you, than risk me thinking you were gay? Fuck Louis, thanks.” Harry shook his head and walked out of the room.


	5. Shell of a Man

Louis hadn’t slept. He looked out the window and could tell that it was still early. Way too early to be awake but there was no going back to sleep, such as it was, now. 

He had tossed and turned all night. Arguments with Harry running through his mind over and over. Once he had realized that Harry wasn’t going to come back he had decided to go to bed. He decided to get up and have a shower. He realized it had been two days since his quick wash at Liam’s before hitting the road. 

The house was quiet around him as he slipped from his room to the bathroom. He pulled a towel from Harry’s well-stocked cabinet, trying not to compare the threadbare three towels he had in his own to Harry’s plush stock of matching sets. Harry had really built a home here, and it made Louis realize how his own felt more like a temporary landing place rather than his home for five years. 

He let the hot water burn over him as he tried to wash everything away. He thought about how good Harry had been with the animals. How soft and funny. And how Louis had screwed everything up by not being completely honest when he had the chance. Not even honest enough. 

And yet, Harry hadn’t kicked him out. He’d given him his space, even after causing such obvious pain. It had always been like that. Harry was like a salve on an open wound. Louis had spent ten years trying to convince himself that he could live without him when being back with him showed him that he was only a shadow of himself without Harry.

It wasn’t healthy. 

Harry had obviously not had the same problem. He’d built an amazing life here. Louis was so proud of him. 

He thought back to Harry lifting the big dog onto the table in the clinic, muscles rippling. His cock twitched as he thought about all the ways Harry had changed. Grown. Become a man. He groaned softly as he lathered over his balls, up his shaft. He rested his other arm against the wall of the shower, head down as he slowly stroked himself. 

He couldn’t help it. Being around Harry was too hard. Surrounded by his smell. By his laughter, his hands. He felt his balls tighten quickly and hard as he spurted out and groaned out Harry’s name. He came embarrassingly quickly and felt wobbly in the aftermath. 

It wasn’t the first time he’d jerked off to thoughts of Harry. He knew it wouldn’t be the last. It wasn’t even the first time with Harry just down the hall. But that was just the problem, wasn’t it. He had no control around Harry. Harry was like a drug that got into him and held on. Apparently for life, if the last ten years was anything to go by.

Louis quickly finished his shower and dried off. He wanted to get back to his phone and check in with Liam, find out if there was anything new. He wrapped the towel around his partially dried body and flung the door open, thoughts on the phone across the hall. 

“Oomph.” And ran smack into Harry. 

Harry’s hands flew up to Louis’ chest. Flat against the plains of his pectorals. His arms flew around Harry’s waist in an effort to bounce backwards as he pulled himself back. Which only drew them together. Louis felt Harry’s long, hard body along the length of his own, practically naked one. 

It was everything Louis had ever fantasized about. 

“Sorry,” Harry jumped back, practically pushing Louis off him. “Sorry, I didn’t realize you were in there.” 

Louis’ towel started to slip. His hand flew to grab at it before it could fall. Harry was as red as a beet. Couldn’t meet Louis’ eyes. 

“Sorry, I needed a shower,” Louis said. “Just helped myself. Hope that’s okay?” He hoped Harry didn’t hear how squeaky his voice was. “Do you need in?” He looked at Harry and realized Harry’s hair was still damp from his own recent shower. Stupid. “Oh, no,” he said, gesturing to the long damp curly locks of hair. “You’re good.”

“I’m good.” Harry’s voice was rough. He ran a hand over his face. “Just going to get breakfast. Hungry?” 

Louis nodded enthusiastically as his stomach growled loudly. 

Harry gave the briefest of smiles. “On it,” he said. “You should,” he waved generally at Louis’ person, getting even redder. 

“Yeah, yeah,” Louis said not sure if he was even breathing. He darted in front of Harry and into his bedroom, practically slamming the door. 

Fuck. This might just kill him.

***

Louis entered the kitchen to the smell of bacon frying and the sight of Harry cooking pancakes on a grill in the middle of his gas range. He cleared his throat to let Harry know he was there.

Harry spun around, pancake on his spatula which flew off onto the floor only to get devoured by Oscar. “Stupid dog,” Harry growled but was betrayed by the love in his voice. “You’re going to throw up, you know.” 

Louis couldn’t help but smile. “Sorry, didn’t mean to startle you.”

Harry turned back. “No worries. Jumpy this morning, I guess.” Louis noted the flush rising along Harry’s neck. Interesting. “There is tea there for you,” he said, motioning to the teapot being kept warm in a coazie on the island.

Louis poured and fixed himself some tea. “Any news?” Harry asked.

“No. Nothing yet. Liam is still working on it,” he answered. “Liam asked if you had a phone number here that he can call if there is anything. That way I can leave my phone off.” 

“Sure,” Harry said and grabbed the notepad that was stuck to the fridge. He quickly jotted down his number and passed it to Louis, never making eye contact. Louis could tell that they were both avoiding the fight they had last night. And the collision this morning. In a way, Louis felt further away from Harry than he had when he was in LA. 

He quickly sent a text off to Liam and then threw the phone back into his room. By the time he was back, Harry had a pile of pancakes and bacon ready. He’d put a plate out for Louis on the island. One plate. 

“You not eating?” He gestured to the single place setting.

Harry shook his head. “No, just picked away while I cooked. You go ahead.”

“Harry,” Louis reached out, not one hundred percent sure what he was going to say.

But Harry cut him off. “I need to go get ready, check in at the clinic.” His tone was short. “I’ll be back in a few hours.” He practically raced out of the kitchen. 

The pancakes were amazing, even if there was a sour taste in Louis’ mouth. He cleared up from breakfast, actually feeling accomplished as he washed up the dishes and put the room back in order. Had he been at home he would have put off the work for as long as possible, including maybe waiting for Liam to show up and do it for him. Not that he ever really had meals per se. 

But something in him made him enjoy the clearing, the cleaning. Making everything right. Maybe it was a small substitute for the mess he was making in Harry’s life right now. 

He heard the sound of the door close somewhere deep in the house and went to the window. He watched as Harry walked across the yard to the clinic. Strong, sure strides as he moved around this life. There were more people around the clinic today. Obviously Harry hadn’t warned them off. He hadn't even thought about that. There was life all around. The sun stretched out over the yard, long beams of early morning light. It was truly beautiful. 

Louis remembered those mornings from his childhood. The cold air of the morning being broken by the strength left in the fall sun. Although he had lived in town, they had a view of the mountains in the distance, colors seemingly changing with the seasons. At this time of year, the mountains were a deep grey-brown, waiting for their winter coats. The fields were all up, cows grazing on the remnants of summer fallow. Starting to build their own winter coats. 

It used to be Louis’ favorite time of year. 

But in the almost relentless sun of LA, seasons stopped meaning anything. Sure there was a difference between the heat of summer and the warmth of winter, but Louis hadn’t experienced the joy of fall in years. Watching leaves change, nature bend gracefully into the cold of winter. He hadn’t realized how much he had missed it. 

It was too easy to lose time in La, without the passing of the seasons to mark the movement. Or maybe the seasons were just different. Award season, shooting season, promo seasons. It was a schedule of its own. With none of the honesty that the changing seasons brought. None of the personal reflection that came with the ‘longest day of the year,’ or the winter equinox where people would gather around their outdoor fires, sparks flying into the dark sky marking the start of the true winter. 

It was a manufactured life. The last ten years. 

Louis was startled out of his thoughts by the slamming of the door in the boot room. He didn’t have time to think as a bundle of energy strode into the room. Louis would have recognized that face anywhere. Harry’s mom. 

Anne styles stopped dead in her tracks. He saw her gasp in a breath before pure anger colored her features. “Louis,” she breathed out, half shock, half aggravation. 

“Hi Anne,” he raised a hand in greeting, feeling ridiculous. 

She did not move. Just stared at him. He was welded to his spot also. How had he not considered Anne in all of this. Of course she was still close to her son. Not all families were like Louis’. He tried to push away the natural urge to run to her for a hug, as he had done hundreds, maybe thousands of times in his life. 

Another door slammed and Harry came skidding into the room, panic on his face. “Oh,” he said, as he took in the standoff between his mother and Louis. 

Anne didn’t take her eyes off Louis. She raised her chin, voice icy. “Harry, love. Can I speak to you a moment.” She turned on her heel and left the room. 

Harry deflated beside Louis. “Shit,” he said quietly, as he followed her out. 

Louis sat on the couch, ringing his hands in silence. He could hear the urgent whispering but couldn’t make out any of the words. Not that he was straining to hear or anything. Finally he heard the door slam again. 

He jumped to his feet as Anne came back in the room. She leveled a gaze on him like he hadn’t seen since he and Harry had broken a window in her sewing room when he was ten and Harry was eight.

“My son tells me that I am not to be mean to you or scare you off.” She let the comment hang in the air for a moment. Louis squirmed under her gaze. “But we are going to talk later when you don’t look like a startled deer, understood?” 

Louis breathed out a sigh of relief. “Yes Ma'am.” He gave her a sure nod. 

Anne’s face crumbled into a huge smile and she flew her arms wide open. “Oh my God, Louis! Come here,” she said, back to the Anne he remembered. 

Louis ran across the room and collided into her embrace. He arms were strong, tight around him. She rocked him back and forth as she hugged the living daylights out of him. “My God we missed you,” she said, voice watery. 

Louis’ words were caught in his throat. He couldn’t do anything besides hug her back and hold on to the tears threatening to spill. She was more of a mother to him than his aunt had been. It was Anne that Louis had run to with great news, or bad news. He had eaten more than one comfort cookie in her kitchen. 

It was Anne’s house where Harry and he had really grown up. Right next to his own, but night and day in atmosphere. With his aunt not wanting Harry around, the two automatically went to Harry’s, where Anne always had delicious meals for them, advice when they asked, and were both punished equally when needed. Louis was never anything but welcome in their home. Almost as if they were his family as well. It was what made his secret so hard to bear. Harry should have been like a brother to him.

She pulled him away and held him by the shoulders. “Look at you,” she said. “You are really a man now aren’t you.” She ran a hand down his scruffy cheek. “Not my boy anymore, are you?” It was filled with love but made Louis’ heart clench with the longing. 

He shook his head. “I guess not,” he mumbled. In fact, he felt very much like the nineteen year old that had left ten years ago. 

“Big shot now, aren’t you?” She looked at him sideways, eyes filled with glee as she saw him start to blush. “Oh, come on,” she said laughing. “We all watch, you know.”

A picture of Harry and his mom, sitting on the big sofa, watching the show made his heart ache. Is that who she thought he was now?

“It’s all fake, you know,” he said. Praying he was right. 

She waved him off. “Of course it is,” she said. “You might fool everyone else, but you don’t fool me, Louis Tomlinson.” Louis didn’t have time to process her true meaning. She grabbed him by the arm and spun him around, maneuvering him back to the sofa. She plunked them down, still holding on to him. “Now, tell me about LA.”

Louis laughed. “You’d probably love it, for about 5 minutes,” he said. “Then you would be sick of the crowds, the traffic.” 

Anne nodded back in agreement. “But you love it?”

Louis didn’t know how to answer. 

“Is it everything you had hoped it would be?” He couldn’t avoid her gaze, her way of looking past his shell into his true self.

“I –“ he stumbled over his answer. He could never tell her anything but the truth. “Parts of it are awesome,” he said. “Other parts are a lot to take.” 

She pursed her lips, “Mhmm,” she nodded. “Hard to be yourself, I bet.” 

For not the first time, Louis wondered just how intuitive she was. Where her son was trusting, taking everything at face value, trusting people implicitly, she was more cautious. More crafty and therefor more discerning of others. She could peel away the layers and get the truth out of anyone. She was terrifying. 

She shook off her own question. “Never mind all that.” She looked him over. He could see all the questions she wanted to ask written on her face. She searched him for answers that he couldn't give. Finally she pulled him back into a bear hug. “Later,” was all she whispered. 

They settled into casual conversation. Again the surrealness of the feeling of having no time passed at all fell over Louis. They talked about local people. Anne caught him up on all the gossip, carefully staying away from talking about his Aunt. 

She made him laugh until his sides hurt telling stories of the craziness of small town life since he’d been gone, He returned the favor by giving her bits and pieces of gossip about some of the celebrities he had been around and some of the craziness of award seasons and cutthroat business that is television. 

They kept it light, fun. Louis hadn’t laughed so much or felt so light in a very long time. How had he walked away from this? He tried not to think about it. 

Eventually, Harry came back in, and took in the two of them on the couch laughing. Worry left his face to be replaced by a hesitant relaxation, as if he had been afraid of what he would find. 

“He’s still alive,” Anne said with a grin. “Don’t worry, I followed your very stern instructions.” Anne looked back and forth between the two of them. He felt her examining their tension, unable to completely put a finger on it but definitely aware. She stood up clapping her hands, startling Louis. He hadn’t realized that he had been staring at Harry. “Well, that is my invitation to leave.” She turned to Louis and gestured for him to get up and give her one last hug. “Louis Tomlinson, you better not leave without coming to visit me.” Her tone was light but the pressure around him was anything but. 

“I won’t,” he promised, ignoring Harry’s harrumph from across the room. 

“Don’t kill each other, boys,” she sang as she went out. 

Harry followed her out to say good-bye. Louis heard her say, “And why would I do that? Work it out, Harry,” in the sternest, mother voice, that filled him with warmth. 

Harry came back in and simply said, “lunch?” before heading back into the kitchen without waiting for a response. 

Louis hadn’t realized how long he had been with Anne. A time vacuum was the only way to describe it. “That was nice,” he said coming into the kitchen behind Harry. “Seeing your mom. I missed her.” 

Harry only grunted in response. Okay, definitely not happy. Was he still mad about last night? Harry’s whole body language screamed Fuck Off! as he slammed pieces of bread together and shoved a plate across the island to Louis. 

“Thanks,” Louis mumbled as he bit into his sandwich, mouth dry. They ate in silence, Louis growing more and more uncomfortable. 

Finally Harry broke the quiet as he put his plate in the dishwasher. “I have to go see a donkey this afternoon.” He wouldn’t make he contact. “Want to come?”

The invitation surprised Louis. Every silent signal Harry was putting out said that he didn’t want Louis any where near him. But Louis really didn’t want to be cooped up in the house any longer either. 

“Um, in a pasture?” He felt like an idiot when Harry finally looked at him with a raised eyebrow. 

“Yeah, Louis. That is where they live. In a fucking pasture.” Harry shook his head.

Louis smoothed over his embarrassment with anger. “Well, it could have been in a barn, jerkoff.” Harry’s eyes flared at the insult. “I just meant, are there going to be people around, because, you know,” he gestured to himself. 

Harry dismissed him with a laugh that was more of a grunt, really. “Mabel is 82 years old, Louis. I am sure she gives not a flying fuck about the incredible Louis Tomlinson.” He rolled his eyes and pushed back from the counter. “We are leaving in ten minutes. Put on something,” his eyes scanned Louis’ skinny jeans and T-shirt, “else,” he finished. 

Louis pushed down his anger as Harry left. He absolutely didn’t curse at him under his breath. What the fuck? It was as if he had only gotten angrier since last night. For the millionth time, Louis wondered if he had made the wrong choice coming back. It hurt after the great time he had with Anne. How at home he had felt. Like a bucket of cold water. 

But he wouldn’t leave again. Wouldn’t leave without at least a conversation this time. He owed Harry that much at least. 

He changed quickly into a pair of joggers. He was quickly running out of the few things he had time to grab. He hoped that it would be more acceptable to Harry than his jeans had been. What was wrong with jeans, anyway? 

Harry was already waiting for him in the boot room when he got there. Harry looked at Louis socked feet and pulled out a pair of big rubber boots. “Here,” he said, using them at Louis. “Put these on or you’ll ruin your shoes.”

Louis looked at the boots, and then at his feet, and raised an eyebrow in question at Harry. They were going to swim on him. 

“Well, that’s all I have. Take it or leave it,” Harry said, dismissing him as he walked out the door. 

Louis muttered as he slid his feet into the boots. They clanked around his calves like a bell as he stomped across the driveway in them. He felt ridiculous, let alone how weird it felt to walk with large heavy rubber around his ankles. 

Harry opened the door to a large black truck and pulled himself into it. Louis went to the passenger side and did the same. He tried to step up onto the running board to get up into the truck, but his boot stayed on the ground. He had to go back down, slide the boot on again, and try again. “Oh for fuck sakes,” he muttered as he tried to keep the boots on by bending his toes up as he clambered up, completely ungracefully, into the cab. He glared at Harry, who tried to cover his amusement by rubbing at his mouth. 

“Did you buy a big enough truck, Harry?” His voice was snarkier than he had expected. He wanted to wipe that grin off Harry’s face. “Compensating?” He asked with a sneer of his own. 

Harry’s face clouded. He quickly turned the key in the ignition. “Hardly,” he said. “Like you’d know about that?” He quirked an eyebrow at Louis. 

Louis stewed in the passenger seat as they made their way down the country gravel roads, kicking up dust behind them. Louis had forgotten this smell. The smell of the freshly cut fields, the dust on the roads. The air had a taste of freshness here. Unlike the polluted grey of Los Angeles, the Montana sky stretched vast and blue, as far as he could see. Birds looked like they were miles high as they passed beneath them. 

He caught Harry sneaking glances at him, hands still hard on the steering wheel. “You going to spit out what has you so tied up, Harry?” He couldn’t take it anymore, the quiet seething.

Harry didn’t speak for a moment. “Sorry,” he breathed the word out on a large exhale. “I didn’t know my mom was coming by.”

It was the last thing Louis had expected. 

“It’s okay,” he said. “It was good to see her again.”

Harry nodded and pursed his lips. “I know. She was so happy to see you too. Eventually,” he added risking a side glance at Louis. “I just know that no one was supposed to know you were there. Not that she’ll tell anyone. I made sure to tell her to stay quiet. But, I know you trusted me and I’m so mad that I couldn’t even do that right.” His expression got even darker, knuckles white on the steering wheel. 

Relief flooded through Louis. “Harry, it is fine. Honestly,” he laid a hand on Harry’s forearm trying to get him to look at him. “It was the most fun I have had in a long time. I love your mom.” 

Harry relaxed slightly. “Really? You aren’t mad?” 

Louis laughed. “No, not mad.” 

Harry nodded silently and loosened his grip on the wheel. 

“Not super happy about the whole ‘incredible Louis Tomlinson’ thing, to be honest. Although I guess it isn’t as bad as what I am sure some people say,” he hoped there was enough teasing to cover the actually hurt in his voice.

Harry looked slightly, although not too much, ashamed. “Sorry. I guess I took it out on you, huh?”

“Ah, not a big deal, Harry.” If anything, he probably deserved much worse. “So tell me about this donkey. Why does he, she?” He looked at Harry for confirmation. Harry nodded. “She, need you to come visit?”

Harry took a deep breath. “Well, Henry is apparently lethargic, and just not herself.” 

Louis looked at Harry. “Henry? I thought you said a she?”

Harry grinned. “Oh, she’s a she, alright. But she is named after Mabel's dead husband, who Mabel says, was an ass.” 

Louis barked out a laugh, and felt a warmth spread through him at Harry’s answering chuckle. “Yeah. So, she is not doing well and it is hard for Mabel to bring her to me, so I go and she Henry at his own house.”

Louis heard the tones of warmth and affection in Harry’s voice. “A real country vet, huh?” 

Harry looked bashful. “I guess so, yeah.”

“That’s nice of you, Harry,” Louis said, voice betraying the tightness in his chest. “Real nice.”

Harry filled the rest of the drive with humorous stories from his practice. Louis laughed along with Harry, glad to be out of the icy anger path that started their drive. Louis wasn’t stupid. He knew there was more to Harry’s bad mood than just Anne showing up, but he let him have it. He would tell Louis eventually if it was important.


	6. You Stood By Me

They pulled into a fairly barren yard with a small, ancient farmhouse surrounded by sprawling corrals and small barns. There was a rusted old pick up parked in front of the house, layers of dust over the rust. A couple cows lazily picked at the drying grass in one pasture, while a herd of sheep huddled together in another. To the far right of the house was a smaller corral with a sway-backed donkey standing in it.

As the drove up to the house, a slightly bent over old woman came out of the door. She reminded Louis of his own grandmother, for how much he could remember her. The woman had a long, grey braid running down her back. Her knee length dress draped over her withered body and was covered by an bib-style apron tied around her waist. 

She gave Harry a brief wave as she made her way down the steps. Harry smiled brightly and waved back. He parked and jumped out. Louis slowly got out and followed behind. 

“Dr. Styles,” the old voice cracked. “’Bout time you made it.” 

Harry smiled deeply and ran a hand down the old woman’s arm. “Sorry, I got held up.” He turned to Louis. “Mabel, this is –“

“I know who Louis Tomlinson is, you dope,” she croaked. “What’s he doing here?”

Louis almost chocked. Harry started sputtering, “What do you – how did you?”

Mabel slapped Harry on the arm. “Come on, Doc. I’ve got TV.” She turned on her foot. “Come on then. Henry is over here.”

A look passed between Harry and Louis. Louis took a deep breath. So much for following Liam’s advice and keeping a low profile. He raised an eyebrow at Harry. “What were you saying,” he asked, letting the teasing notes come into his voice. 

Harry shrugged. “How could I have known that?” Louis was glad he didn’t seem to be torn up again. 

“Whatever,” Louis said. “I doubt she has a direct line to Entertainment Tonight or TMZ.” He shrugged trying to show his disinterest, even while his stomach churned. He hoped he was right. Maybe the old bird was more Internet savvy than he would believe.

“I’ll talk to her,” Harry said resignedly. 

“Come on boys.” Mabel yelled at them from the side of the house. “Day’s awasting!”

Harry just raised an eyebrow and followed. 

Louis loved watching Harry work, he decided. Harry’s soft touches as he examined Henry, ran his hands along his sides and under his belly. Louis couldn’t hear the words that Harry was saying to the old donkey, but loved the way his voice flowed like a melody while he worked. He gave the donkey a final pat and rubbed affectionately between her ears. 

Louis somehow knew the news wasn’t good when Harry turned back to Mabel. 

Mabel, apparently, could also read his expression. She just grinded her toothless gums and a resigned look on her face. “That bad, hm?”

“I’m sorry, Mabel. She’s just old,” Harry said. “I can probably give her a little bit larger of a dose for the arthritis in her knee, but…”

“Don’t coddle me, boy. I know it.” She held her head high. “Been out living creatures way longer than the two of you been around, haven’t I?” She nodded, as if to punctuate her statements. “But I’ll take you up on that medicine for her. No need for her to struggle her way out.”

Harry nodded. He packed up his bad of instruments and headed back to the truck. Louis didn’t know if it was the stress of the last few days, his own emotions going bonkers, or just the general cycle of life but he clomped over to the old donkey and mimicked Harry’s gesture, rubbing between the ears. “You’ve had a good life here, haven’t you old girl?” Tears welled up in his eyes. 

He wiped them clear and pretended not to hear Mabel muttering about blubbering. 

Harry pulled out a bottle of what Louis assumed was the medicine and handed it to the woman. “This should do but if you run out, let me know.”

Mabel took the bottle and nodded her understanding. “I appreciate it, Dr. Styles.” Louis didn’t know if he’d get used to hearing that. “So what you and your boy here doing now?” She gestured generally between the two of them.

Harry’s face flushed while he stammered. “Not my boy, just an old friend.” 

Mabel leveled a glare at him. “I’m no fool, young man,” she practically growled. Louis felt like shrinking under her gaze. She turned to Harry. “I’m not one to tell you your business, Doc.” Louis wasn’t sure that was at all the truth. “But, you should be ashamed making the city slicker stomp around in those stupid ass boots.” 

Louis barked out a laugh. Harry grinned. “Yes, Ma’am.” He hung his head a little, not quite meeting her glare.

“Unless he done gone and done something stupid. You done something stupid, young man,” she turned back to Louis. 

He glanced at Harry, who was taking a very serious interest in the conversation suddenly. He waited a long breath before answering. “Yeah, I did something stupid. Stupidest thing I ever could have done,” he added softly. 

Harry’s eyes didn’t leave his face. 

The old woman grunted. “Ah, well then. You deserve the boots.” 

Harry’s grin took over his face. He bit down on his lip trying to hide it, but it was no use. A giggle escaped. Louis shot him a completely see-through grimace. 

“Yes, Ma’am,” Louis answered. 

***

Louis rested his head against the window while they drove down the road. “How long does poor Henry have?” 

He felt more than saw Harry’s shrug. “Not that long, probably. Depends how stubborn the old girl is. Once she decides to let go, it’ll be fast.” 

Louis thought about the quiet animal. The soft hair between the ears. “How do you cope with it all?” He looked over at Harry. “The dying. All the pain you see?” 

It took Harry a bit to answer. “It can be hard. Really hard some days. But overall, I help a lot of people and animals. They trust me to take care of them. And then when it comes time to make some tough decisions, I can help them with that too. I guess I look at it as everyone dies, people, animals, it’s all the same. If I can make that a little more peaceful for them, I’ve done my job and can feel better, even in the sadness.” He glanced at Louis, judging his reaction. 

Louis swallowed past the lump in his throat. “Amazing,” was all he could get out. 

Harry was amazing. Had always been, really. He was one of those people that everyone loved. Ever since Louis had moved in next door, he had watched people fall victim to Harry’s cherubic face and easy smile. 

But he never took advantage of it. He was honestly the most caring and forgiving person Louis knew. He had never, in all the people he had met since moving away, met anyone as genuinely considerate of other people the way Harry was. 

“Want to cruise through town?” Harry asked. “We’ll stay in the truck.”

Louis thought about it. “Sure,” he said. “Things have changed a lot?”

Harry laughed. “Nope. Pretty much the same. Except the dealership burned down.”

Louis raised his eyebrows. “Whoa. That must have been something.” 

“Yeah, made the news in Great Falls and everything.” Harry laughed. “They had to use some high schooler’s phone photos for the story but,” he shrugged. “At least we made it.”

Harry drove slowly through the streets of the town. It was shocking to Louis, how nothing had much changed. The Hamstead Grocery was still there. Harry told him that the horse that they had to pay a quarter to ride while Harry’s mom had shopped had eventually given up the biscuit and was replaced with some sort of little car in there that none of the children ever wanted to ride. They all wanted the horse back so much that Mr. Hamstead had finally pulled it back into the store even if it didn’t run anymore. 

The town felt smaller than he remembered. They drove the main ‘cruising’ loop, just as they had done thousands of time in school. Sometimes with others, sometimes, Louis’ favorite times, with just the two of them. It had seemed so much longer back then. Driving the loop, waving at everyone they passed. Just a small raise of the fingers on the wheel, but still. He noticed Harry still did, to the few cars that were out. 

“We have a drive thru now,” Harry said. “Old man Floyd decided to add one.”

“Oh, moving on up,” Louis said. “Show me then.”

Floyd’s had been the only real place in town to get a burger. It was a small bar and restaurant, split down the middle with one kitchen. Louis was actually interested in seeing how he made it work as a drive thru. Floyd wasn’t know for his fast service. But he did have amazing burgers.

They pulled up to the order bar and Louis didn’t even need to scan the menu. His mouth was suddenly watering for a Hawaiian; with mozzarella, teriyaki, and a ring of pineapple. He asked for a mint chocolate chip shake to go along with it. Might as well go all out. 

They pulled up to the drive thru window and Harry chatted with the young girl while he paid, while Louis looked out the other window. He felt incredibly rude but really did not want to risk yet another person seeing and recognizing him. Although he thought it would be unlikely with the big sunglasses and large brimmed hat that Harry had given him as they pulled closer to town. 

Then, Harry pulled into a parking spot rather than another window. “What are you doing?” Louis asked.

Harry smiled as he put the big truck into park. “We are waiting for our order.” Harry shifted in his seat so he was half facing Louis. He rested one arm on the back of the seat and one up on the open window. He looked carefree. 

“We don’t get it right away?” Louis gestured back to the building. “That’s what drive thru means. You order, you get your food, you drive away.”

Harry looked like a car with a canary. Huge grin, glint in his eyes. “Not here it doesn’t.” 

Louis sighed dramatically. “Fine.” He leaned forward and started playing with the buttons on the radio. 

He felt Harry watching him as he fiddled. He adjusted the seat again, trying to find the perfect amount of back support, lowered the visor, checked himself in the big hat out in the mirror before flipping it back up. Reached out to open the glove box.

Harry laughed. “You haven’t changed a bit, Louis. You look like you have,” Louis’ body reacted to the way his eyes scanned over Louis, “but you really haven’t, have you?” Harry’s voice grew wistful at the end. “You never could sit still.”

Louis felt himself color. He didn’t want to think about the time they’d missed. Didn't want to think about the fact that Harry had thought he was a different person from the one Harry had known growing up. He definitely didn’t want to think about the fact that Harry thought he was like his character on TV. He felt the pull of silence stretch between them. Instead of letting Harry see the pain, he covered it by flipping up the radio volume and started belting out along to the lyrics.

“One two three they gonna run back to me,  
‘Cause I’m the best baby that they never gotta keep.  
One, two, three they gonna run back to me  
They always want to come but they never want to leave.”  
He wiggled his eyebrows at Harry, who was giggling. 

He was surprised when Harry joined in for the chorus

“Exes and the oh oh ohs they haunt me! Like gho-oh-oh-sts they want me to make them Oh oh oh, they won’t let go!”

The loud knock on Harry’s truck startled them. The girl from the restaurant was standing beside it with their food bag. Louis quickly turned down the radio. The whole parking lot must have heard them. 

“Here you go Dr. Styles,” the girl said quickly, pushing the food through the open window.

Louis couldn’t contain his laughter. It barked out of him and he rocked in the seat. 

“Thanks, Sally,” he said and handed her a tip. He turned back to Louis, placing the bag on the console. “You are a complete menace,” he said, shaking his head and starting the truck and pulling out. 

Louis had tears running down his face. He deepened his voice. “Thanks, Sally,” he said, mimicking Harry. He was rewarded with Harry’s cheeks coloring. He decided to keep going. “Oh, Dr. Styles,” he said, voice high and dreamy. “Here’s your food, Dr. Styles.” Harry was shaking his head. “Can I get you anything else, Dr. Styles?” Louis batted his eyelashes at Harry and pretended to swoon a little. 

“Fuck off,” Harry said, laughing. Harry shifted a little in his seat. 

Oh my God, Louis thought. He would know that shift anywhere. He had seen teenage Harry do it more times than he liked to think about. Except sometimes he thought about it very much late at night. He quickly glanced down at Harry’s groin, fast enough that he wouldn't get caught with Harry’s attention on the road.. He tried to shake the thought off. There was no way…

He reached out and ran his hand down Harry’s arm, testing the theory. “Oh, Dr. Styles,” he squeezed Harry’s arm, “what strong arms you have.” He kept his voice high and flirty, but a little more of his own natural voice infused into it. 

He felt the muscles ripple under his hand before Harry ripped his arm away and shifted in his seat again. The laughter died on his face and was replaced with a darker look. “Fuck. Off.” His voice was flat.

Interesting, Louis thought. “Geez,” he said, only feeling a little bad. “A little bit touchy today, are you Dr. Styles?” He was back to his natural voice but made sure to infuse it with a little teasing. He had wanted to test Harry but definitely did not want to ruin the fun they were having. He needed to shift a little in his own seat as the reality hit him full force.

Harry had gotten control of himself but just grunted in return. 

The aroma from the bag was filling the truck, even with the open air coming in through the window. Louis grabbed the bag and went to open it. He felt the sting of the slap from Harry before he saw it. “Hey!” It was almost a question.

“You have to wait,” Harry said. He side-eyed Louis. “I know it’s not your strong suit.” Harry’s teasing meant that he didn’t want to ruin their fun either. 

Louis pretended to be offended. “Oh, I am good at waiting,” he said. “I’ve waited ten years for this,” he said and rattled the bag.

He pretended he didn’t hear the whispered, “So have I.”

Louis looked out the window and realized he knew exactly where they were going. “Lake?” 

Harry nodded. “Yeah, I know you love it there,” he said. “Thought you’d like to see it again.”

“Aw, Harry,” he infused his voice with sugar. “You taking me on a picnic?” He blinked flirtatiously at Harry. No point in not pushing a little bit, he figured. 

“You are ridiculous,” Harry said, shaking his head. “But, uh, yeah. I guess I thought you’d like it?” Louis could easily hear the tentativeness in his voice. 

He shot Harry a huge smile. “And you’d be right,” he said with enthusiasm. 

Harry parked in the lot that overlooked the lake. “Wow,” was all Louis could say. The view stretched out in front of them, bringing back happy memories of being there with Harry. Swimming, kayaking, eventually having a few drinks with friends around the fire. He looked over at Harry and realized that Harry had been watching him. 

He was reeling a bit. Harry knew everything about him. He knew what he liked, his favorite places. He knew what Louis would want before Louis did. How had he been so lucky as to have someone like Harry and throw it all away. For what? For being ‘an actor?’ 

Louis was proud of his show, to a certain degree, but it certainly hadn’t been what he had in mind when he left to be a serious actor. The mindless monotony of young concocted drama playing out across the Venice Beach boardwalk was not bringing critical acclaim along with the celebrity. Had he given up this amazing friendship, even if that was all it could have been, or at least all he thought it could have been, just to be stuck on the b-list of actors that people would forget as soon as the show was done?

He realized he had been staring at Harry when he saw a puzzled look on Harry’s face. “Okay, Lou?”

He shook himself out of it and covered by grabbing the bag of food. “Yeah, just almost passed out from a lack of food. You trying to kill me?” 

Thankfully Harry laughed, allowing him to brush it off. “Always,” Harry said.

The late evening sun stretched across the yard as they pulled into it. Long shadows cast across the plains while tin roofs still glinted in the light. There was a soft quiet to the place. All the staff had gone home and Louis felt a calmness getting out of the truck. 

Louis went into the house while Harry went and checked on his patients. He decided to power up the phone and give Liam a call. Liam was happy to hear from him. He wasn’t near as frantic as he had been.

“I’ve tried calling the house, but no one answered,” he said.

“Nah, we were out this afternoon. Old stomping grounds, and all that.” Louis tried to brush it away but could help the feeling of comfort at being home. At being near Harry. “Any news?”

Liam exhaled heavily. That was never a good sign. “Yeah. We have something.”

“Do I need to grab a drink for this, or what?” Louis tried to lighten the mood to ease the tension in his chest. 

Liam didn’t answer right away. Louis stood up from the couch and started pacing. “What is it Liam?”

“We talked to the guy. Do you want his name?” 

Louis shook his head, even though Liam couldn’t see him. “Not unless it is important. I’m almost positive I didn’t sleep with him.” He felt his cheeks heat up. “I was still dressed…” he let his voice fall off at the end. 

“Right. No, you didn’t,” Liam said. His tone told Louis that this was not a conversation that he wanted to have either. “He actually said that. But he did tell us he was hired to hit on you, specifically. To, um, make sure to get you outside for that picture.”

The air rushed out of Louis’ lungs. How? He felt ill. He collapsed in the arm chair just as Harry came in the room. He could hear Liam calling his name but his mind was reeling. Harry rushed over. “Louis, you okay?” Harry’s green eyes filled with concern.

Louis shook himself. He put the phone on speaker. He still couldn’t form words. 

“You are on speaker, Liam,” Harry said as Liam’s voice filled the room. 

“Oh, Harry? Good. Is Louis still there?” Louis could feel the confusion through the phone. 

“Yeah, I’m here Liam. Tell Harry what you just told me, and then fill me in.”

Liam started again. “The guy was hired to put Louis into that position. He was hired by a paparazzi to get Louis into the alley and get the picture.”

Murder crossed Harry’s features. “What the fuck? How is that legal?” Harry grabbed onto Louis’ knee, hand steadying Louis’ heartbeat.

“Well, technically it isn’t illegal. But, we think that Louis may have been drugged.”

“What?!” Louis’ immediate reaction was complete denial. “No way. I didn’t take anything. Uh-uh.” He was shaking his head vigorously. “No way.”

Harry rubbed his hand up and down Louis’ leg. “Why do you think that, Liam?”

“Well, the guy said that he thought there might have been someone in the bar, someone hired like him. He got a call that told him where to meet Louis but then he got a second call telling him that it was time to start moving on him. He had expected the first, shown up to the club and was going to make a move eventually, but he hadn’t been expecting the second call. He thought it was weird, but he said that you were kind of out of it so he figured he had a short window.”

Louis was reeling. None of this made sense. Thank goodness Harry was handling the questions for Liam because he didn’t even know where to start. “So what makes you think drugs?” 

“The guy said he spoke to you very briefly when he first got there. Said hi in the washroom, that was it. But said you were totally clear headed at that point.” Louis racked his brain to remember the toilets but it was so insignificant at the time, he hadn’t really noticed who had been in there with him. “Then he got the call less than an hour later. You were stumbling, uncoordinated. You were a mess,” Liam said, apology strong in his voice.

“I want to kill this guy,” Harry said, anger filling his voice.

“I get that, Harry,” Liam said. “Actually, he has been very cooperative. He had no idea that Louis didn’t know he was going to be there. The paparazzi had told him that Louis was doing it as part of a stunt.” 

“What?” Louis finally perked up, cleared his head enough to get back in the conversation. “Why would I do it as a stunt?”

“He didn’t know. Honestly, part of me wondered –“

“Fucking What?!” Louis sputtered

“But,” Liam pushed back, ‘I saw you that morning. I know that you didn’t know. But he thought you did. He didn’t put the pieces together until much later. After I had thrown him out. He feels awful. I think he was taken advantage of as well. Just a young guy wanting to get into modeling. He was told he’d get famous.”

Louis rolled his eyes. Fuck he hated Hollywood. 

“Also,” Liam said continuing, “I should let you know that he said that what was in that picture,” Liam cleared his throat, obviously feeling awkward. “That was all there was. He went home with you simply because the cabbie wouldn’t take you otherwise and he didn’t know what to do.”

Louis breathed a sigh of relief while Harry rolled his eyes. Harry may also have mumbled something along the lines of “some hero,” but Louis didn’t quite catch it. 

“So who drugged me, Liam?”

“We don’t know for sure. But I can tell you that Roberto and I had a very…persuasive…conversation with the pap and he definitely won’t be releasing any more pictures of you.”

A touch of relief flowed through Louis, but Harry was still irate. “But he won’t go to jail? He fucking drugged Louis!” Harry was yelling into the phone. 

“Yeah, we think so, but we don’t have proof and probably could never get enough to make any kind of charge stick. It’s the best we can do. Oh,” he added. “Simon has calmed down and the show is okay. They need you back for filming soon, Louis.” 

Louis felt the air leave his body. Coldness gripped his heart. “How soon?”

Harry stood up and Louis immediately felt the loss of his touch. 

“They’ve given you until Monday. So, you can take a day or two more and then should head back. We still aren’t making a statement, better to just let it blow over, but probably best to keep a low profile. The pictures and speculation are still everywhere.”

Louis let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding. Liam read his mind. “I know, Louis. It’s only two more shows. You can make it.”

“And next year?” Louis felt sick. Being home had opened his eyes to how wrong it all felt. He knew that it wasn’t him, that it was getting to be too much, but hadn’t realized how much pushing this other part of himself down, pushing his past away, had hurt him.

Liam sighed. “The papers are still sitting here, Louis.” He let the silence stretch out. “Just come home and we can talk.”

Louis hung up. He could feel Harry’s presence behind him by the window but he wasn’t saying anything.

Louis put his head in his hands. A day or two? How could he leave now? He’d only just come back, had only just got to a place, whatever place, with Harry? He felt like screaming, and crying, and curling into a ball, all at the same time. His heart ached. 

“So,” Harry said, breaking the deafening silence in the room. “You are heading back?”

“I guess so,” his heart clenched at the words. At the sad, quiet almost accusation in Harry’s tone. 

“It’s been nice having you here, Louis.” Harry’s voice was soft. Like a caress on his cheek. 

He stood up to go over to Harry but Harry was already coming to him. He fell into the hug, sure and strong around his shoulders. Louis pressed himself hard against Harry, wanting to melt into him. He didn’t know what to say. Maybe he didn’t have to. He figured Harry knew almost everything he wasn’t saying anyway.

“Can you stay the whole two days?” Harry asked. “I know he said a day or two, but can it be two?” Tempered hope filled his voice. “Please.” The plea was whispered.

Louis nodded vigorously. “Yeah,” the sound was chocked. He steadied himself. “Can’t get rid of me yet.


	7. Fire For A Heart

Louis thought he might die of embarrassment. Harry had convinced him to watch “Venice Nights” with a bottle of wine and a huge bowl of popcorn. They were sitting together on the couch as Louis’ face filled the screen. Flirty, funny, loud. Louis hadn’t watched his show in a very long time. He had forgotten how fun that first season had been. 

It had all been new, exciting. It felt temporary, fun. He could play the carefree skateboarder on TV. His only skill they really needed was skateboarding. He figured now that they didn’t even care if he was an actor. Not really. He was good looking, funny, and could ride a skateboard. And pretend to be a philandering young twenty-something. 

It was surreal to sit on the couch with Harry and see this version of himself. And super awkward. 

Harry was laughing in the right spots, mocking him over some incredibly bad acting. Gawd, how had this made it into syndication. 

He felt Harry tense up a little beside him when Meagan came on to the screen for the first time. Louis barely remembered her. Never saw her outside shooting. Certainly never became friends with her off screen. On screen was a different matter. 

By the third episode, things were heating up. Harry had left for a bathroom break during the first really big kissing scene but Louis could feel him tensing up and pulling away as things moved towards the bedroom. 

Even though nothing was ever really shown on screen, all the implications and lead up was there. Louis wanted to shrink away. 

He grabbed the remote and pressed stop. “We don’t have to watch this, Harry. It’s super cringey!” 

Harry just nodded. Didn’t meet his eyes. 

“Hey, it’s way more awkward for me,” he said, trying to make light of it.

Harry shrugged. “It’s not awkward for me.” His eyes darted to Louis. “Well, I mean, not a lot,” he said with a small laugh. “But it’s more, like. I can’t figure out how you do it? How do you pretend to be…attracted to her. Like, did you like her?”

Louis sighed. I guess we are doing this, he thought. He took a steadying breath. “No, not really. I guess she was nice enough. We actually didn’t really talk outside filming.” 

Harry shifted in his seat. Uncomfortable with the conversation but curiosity over-rode the discomfort. “But, it is pretty convincing? How did you do it?”

Louis thought. It had been a long time ago. Now it was just habit, almost. He thought back to those first seasons. Where he went in his head. “I guess I just thought about someone else. Pretended she was someone I was attracted to.” 

Harry’s lips formed a very thin line. He nodded briefly. “Ah. I see,” he said. “You’re pretty convincing,” he added, forcing a small laugh. “I’m not sure that I could pretend to be in love. Like, that goes farther than just attraction. What was her name, Alana?” He glanced at Louis.

Louis got the feeling that Harry knew exactly what her name was. “Allison,” he replied.

“Yeah, Allison.” Harry took a deep breath. “Did you love her?”

Louis wanted to scream but gave Harry an answer anyway. “No, Harry. I didn’t. Gay, remember.” He’d give anything to lighten the mood. 

“It sure seemed like it.” Harry was curled around himself. Arms folded across his chest. He reminded Louis of the younger boy Louis had left behind more than the confident Dr. Styles that he had spent the afternoon with. 

He tried to put the process into words. “It’s like, you go to a place in your head. A place that feels familiar. I could just put in the emotion if I had been saying those things to someone I was in love with. Someone I wanted to say those things to.” 

Harry’s eyes dropped into his lap. “Was there someone, you know, that you…loved?”

Louis felt his heart drop. Fuck. How did he not see that coming? He let the silence go on too long, felt Harry getting even more uncomfortable. “Yeah,” he said finally. “Yeah, there was.”

Harry nodded, closing his eyes. His left hand was gripping his fingers so hard they were turning white. “Was? What happened?”

Louis wanted to throw up. “I fucked it all up.” He’d never been more honest in his life. 

Harry took a big breath. He nodded slowly. Risked a quick look. Louis met his eyes wondering if Harry would read the truth in them. Harry looked away again. “I’m sorry, Louis. He was an idiot to let you go.”

Louis felt like sinking into the couch. Wanted it to swallow him up and never let him out. But that was the truth. He had fucked it all up by leaving. He’d lost the best, most important person in the world. Not lost, pushed away. Left behind. 

Louis thought about the last ten years. What would it have been like if he hadn’t left. Would he have told Harry the truth? When would they have figured out they were both gay? Would he have ever gone to LA, become an actor? Would Harry have become a vet? 

It was too much to contemplate. It was too far in the past. They were different people now. Grown into their own without the other to lean on, to secure to. It was for the best. Louis just wished he’d handled it differently. That he hadn’t hurt Harry.

Suddenly Harry jumped up. Louis realized he’d been stuck in his own head. “Going to bed,” Harry mumbled as he pushed himself up. 

“It was you,” Louis blurted out. He wasn’t sure where the words had come from. But they were out now. It was like a dam had been broke. “It was always you. I was talking to you.” His heart was pounding in his chest, his breathing gone ragged. He couldn’t fucking hear for the panic in his brain. 

Harry was deathly still. He was facing away, in the process of leaving the room. 

Louis quickly got to his feet. “I loved you, Harry,” he said softly. It felt like letting go. His biggest secret finally out. “I was a coward. And terrified you would figure it out. And I ran away. But I loved you. Always you.”

Harry slowly turned around. He stood straight, eyes wide. He lifted his chin, as if to prepare for battle, steadying himself for what was coming. “Loved?” The word was solid. Strong in it’s question. 

Louis’ heart jumped. This would change everything. This moment would either be the best thing to ever happen to him or ruin him. But he knew that he needed to finally be honest. To take the risk. 

“Loved,” he said watching Harry’s reaction closely. Harry blinked quickly, almost like a whisper. “Love,” he breathed. “It’s always been you, Harry.”

We watched as his words registered with Harry. It took two long strides. Harry surrounded him, lips crashed onto Louis’. 

Harry kissed him hard. It took Louis a second before he could respond. Harry grabbed Louis by the face, hands on either side, guiding the kiss. It was like he was putting ten years of pent up frustration and longing into that one kiss. 

Louis ran his hands down Harry’s side, slid them around his back and up his arms. They traveled over Harry as if exploring his body like a blind person would. Harry slowly lessened the pressure on his mouth and started moving gently, softly. Tenderly. Small movements of exploration. 

Louis felt him touch his lips with the tip of his tongue, mouth opening slightly. Louis gently opened up, granting him entry. But Harry pulled back slightly. Green eyes stared into his own blue ones. Harry ran his thumbs over Louis’ cheeks, as if feeling if he were real. 

“Always?” His voice was full of emotion.

Louis felt his breath hitch. He nodded, careful not to let Harry loosen his grip. 

Harry broke into a huge grin. “Me too, Lou,” he said before closing his eyes and gently kissing him again. 

It was as if Louis’ world had finally snapped into place. His purpose found. That final piece being placed and allowing him to see the full picture. Harry’s hands on him, running through his hair. Lips soft, undemanding. 

Louis opened up to him and pulled him close along his body. Harry moved even closer, pressing a leg between Louis, pressure on his cock. He slowly explored Harry’s back, his sides, with his hands as Harry pushed his tongue into Louis’ mouth. 

Louis ran his hands down Harry’s back and curved around his ass. He was rewarded with a deep groan from Harry and realized he could feel Harry stirring against him. He squeezed, feeling the hardness of Harry’s body while pulling him closer still. 

Harry pushed against him, but instead of creating space, moved with him back to the couch. He practically pushed him down, careful to soften the landing and propped him against the arm rest. “Manhandling me already?” Harry practically growled in response to the teasing and kissed him deeply settling along the length of Louis’ body. 

Louis pulled at the bottom of Harry’s shirt, exposing soft skin to run his fingers along. He felt the muscles shiver under his touch. Harry ground down on him, rubbing into his very rapidly hardening cock. He didn’t know that he could whimper but he did. It made Harry dive deeper into his mouth, grinding more into him. 

Their tongues chased each other into their mouths, equally exploring and caressing. Louis pulled up on Harry’s shirt. “Off, off,” he practically begged. 

Harry whipped the shirt off over his head and through it somewhere in the room. He didn’t wait for Louis, he just pulled his shirt off as well. “Oh my God, Louis,” he whispered, taking in the length of Louis’ exposed skin. 

Harry started at his collarbones, gently running his fingertips along the bone. Then slowly moved both hands down his chest, gently touching every plane. He ran his thumbs over his nipples and Louis bucked under the sensitive touch. “You are so beautiful,” he whispered running his fingers across Louis’ abs. He put his hands flat across the plain of Louis’ stomach and put a little more pressure, as if trying to feel with his whole hands, and ran them up over his pectorals and around his shoulders, eyes tracing the movement. 

He finally looked back at Louis, wonder written on his features. He looked bashful, almost apologetic. Louis wasn’t having that. “Come here,” he said, pulling Harry back down to him. Harry crashed back onto his mouth.

It quickly moved from soft to passionate. Louis pushed up into Harry’s grinding, cock aching to be touched. He pulled Harry closer, helped with the movement, by cupping and squeezing his ass, pulling Harry into himself. Harry groaned into his mouth, breathing becoming ragged. 

Louis followed the top of Harry’s jeans around, pushing his hand between them, trying to get at Harry’s button. Harry moved up, allowing him room. Louis ran his hand down the impressive length of Harry’s hardness, eliciting a deep moan from Harry. “God, Lou,” he groaned, pushing against Louis’ hand. 

Louis quickly popped the button and lowered Harry’s zipper. He worked his hand between the jeans Harry’s skin. Of course the bastard didn’t wear underwear. He’d try and remember to ask him how the hell that wasn’t uncomfortable later. His fingers touched the silliness of Harry’s cock and slowly explored the length of it. He ran his thumb over the sensitive tip, Harry gasping.

Harry stopped kissing him and breathed into his ear, nipping at the lobe. “Lou,” he said, almost a plea. He kissed Louis’ neck, mouth wide and tongue massaging the skin. Tasting him. Louis turned his head to smell Harry’s hair while he felt the man’s cock. Reality had nothing on his dreams.

“What do you want?” His voice softer than he expected. “Tell me, Harry.”

Harry pushed into his hand. “You,” he said. “This.” He pushed again. “Fuck, I want everything,” he said breathily. 

Louis laughed. Gave Harry’s cock a small squeeze. Harry gasped. He pulled back a bit. “What about you?” He suddenly looked insecure. “What do you want?”

Louis smiled. He ran his free hand across Harry’s hair, pulling slightly at the ends. “You. This,” he said. “Everything.” He was glad when Harry laughed. He pulled his hand out. “But, should we move to somewhere…less open?” 

Harry’s face broke out into a wide grin. “Afraid of what the animals might think?” 

Louis laughed. “No, but since I have arrived both your mother and Niall have burst in here.”

“Fair point,” Harry said. He pushed up off Louis, hair askew, lips puffy from kissing. “Bedroom?”

Louis nodded. “Yes, please.”

Harry leaned down and gave him a quick, chaste kiss, before standing up and sticking a hand out to help Louis up. He didn’t let go once Louis was on his feet and just intertwined their fingers, pulling Louis down the hall to the bedroom.

Louis hadn’t seen in Harry’s room before. Like the rest of the house, it suited Harry perfectly. There was a large, raw oak bed with end tables littered with books and left over tea mugs. Everything about the room was large. From the bed, to the closet, to the desk in the corner. 

Harry pulled him to the bed and flipped around to face him, chest to chest. Standing like this, Louis could see how different they were. Harry had grown taller than him, and broadened through the shoulders and chest. Louis ran his hands up the sides and over his chest muscles. Harry took a deep breath at the touch. 

“Harry,” Louis started, he needed to say it before it went any further. “This isn't nothing to me. This means something, you know?” Harry nodded and stroked his arm, urging him to finish. “I’ve done this before, but not like this. It never meant this.” He was messing it up. “What I am saying is, and I don’t need you to answer right now, but this means something to me. And I am so sorry for running away and hurting you. For being too scared to tell you in case it changed what you thought of me.” He felt small, even with Harry’s reassuring touches. 

“You finished?” Harry asked. He continued when Louis nodded. “Everything you just said is the same for me. I’ve had boyfriends, but they never stuck. It’s been you for me, Louis, since I was a teenager.” He pulled Louis’ chin up so that Louis would meet his eyes. “And, no, I never ran from you, but I never told you either. I had the same fears. I was scared of your aunt, I was scared you would hate me. I was scared too. I get it.” 

Louis felt the tension that had held his heart release. He pulled Harry into a hug. 

“This isn’t nothing to me, Louis,” Harry said. “It is more like everything.”

Louis let out a watery laugh. “God, we are like two big babies,” he said. 

Harry smiled at him. “I prefer sappy romantics,” he said. 

Louis gave him a small shove. “Well, romantic. I’d really like it if you’d give me a kiss.” 

Harry’s face broke out into a huge grin before he dove back in. 

Again, it felt like he was slowly exploring Louis. Reveling in being able to touch, kiss, devour. Louis quickened the pace, slowly moving against Harry, urging him back to the bed. Harry got the message and laid down on the bed, pulling Louis up on top of him. Allowed him to take control.

Louis kissed along Harry’s jaw, breathing in the musky scent on his skin. He kissed along Harry’s collarbone, nipping at the skin before moving down across his chest. Harry allowed him to explore the expanse of skin with his mouth, his teeth, his tongue. 

Harry gasped and bucked when Louis took his nipple in his mouth, gently circling it with his tongue. He played with the other one with his hand, bringing both to hard nubs. He let his hand trace down the skin and played with the soft trail of hair leading to Harry’s cock. Harry pushed his hips up, silently begging for touch. 

Louis slowly moved down his body, pulling at his jeans and throwing them to the floor. He ran his hands up Harry’s strong legs on the way back up, leaving kitten licks and kisses on Harry’s knees. He thought he could explore Harry forever. 

He squeezed Harry’s thighs at the top of his legs, gently adding pressure to his touch. Working Harry’s legs open to allow himself to nestle between the V in his body. He nosed along the long lines at the top of Harry’s legs, open, begging for his attention. Harry’s cock stood proudly. Red and hard. Harry moving, trying to move towards Louis’ mouth. Louis breathed in the scent of him, tasted the salt on his body. 

Harry moaned, almost growled in frustration, seemingly overwhelmed by Louis touch just shy of where he wanted it. 

Louis softly cupped Harry’s balls, rolling them in his palm. “Yes?” He barely whispered.

“Yes,” Harry breathed out. “God yes, Louis.”

Louis grinned, and opened his lips around the sensitive head of Harry’s penis. He licked at the slit, tasting the pre-cum before gently sucking. He stroked the base with his hand before lowering his mouth along the shaft. Harry let out a deep moan. Struggled to stay down, not bucking into the warmth of Louis’ mouth. 

Louis worked Harry’s cock with his mouth and hand, allowing his saliva to lubricate the shaft as he moved up and down. Harry put his hands on Louis head, giving a slight pressure. Louis allowed him to push him down further, cock going to the back of his throat. He opened his throat to allow Harry deeper. Harry squeezed his hands in Louis’ hair causing Louis to moan around Harry’s cock. 

The salty come splashed into his mouth without warning. Louis swallowed and pulled off, gently massaging the sensitive cock. 

“Shit,” Harry’s voice was deep, scratchy. “I’m sorry, Louis. Fuck, it came out of nowhere.”

Louis grinned, moving up Harry’s body and leaning in for a kiss. “You are amazing,” he said in response. 

Harry closed his eyes and let himself be kissed. Louis own cock was aching with need. He was a little afraid that Harry was falling asleep. But soon Harry picked up the pace and wrapped a hand around Louis. 

“Fuck your cock is nice, Louis,” he said, giving long, gentle strokes. 

Louis shivered at the touch.

“I love touching you,” Harry said softly. “Love the way you sound.” He started stroking with more intention. Harry ran his palm over the tip and hand all the way back down. Noises Louis didn’t recognize came out of him. “You like that, baby?” He sped up slightly. “You like me touching you?”

This was a Harry Louis didn’t know. Strong and sure. Confident in bed. Fucking chatty. It was driving him wild, hearing that voice flow over him while he was getting stroked. 

Suddenly Harry flipped him over, crawling down him. He took Louis in his hand, rubbing down the length of him and around his testicles and back up again. Louis arched off the bed into the touch. Harry laid a large hand on his stomach. “Easy baby. I’ll take care of you.” 

Harry leaned over and sank his mouth down on Louis. Louis felt the warmth of his mouth as Harry’s tongue caressed the length of his shaft, putting pressure on the thick vein of his cock. Harry moaned deeply, Louis feeling the vibrations through him. Harry pulled up slowly, gently sucking, before diving back down. He was bringing Louis to the brink and then releasing slowly, allowing him to relax. Louis lost himself to the feeling of Harry.

“God, Harry,” he gasped. “I’m going to come.” He pulled gently at Harry’s hair. Harry released him with a pop. 

“Not yet, Lou,” he said. “First I need you to fuck me.” He looked up at Louis, eyes bright, lips swollen. It was more than every fantasy Louis had ever had.

Louis almost came on the spot. Harry squeezed him at his base. “Please,” he said, a little less sure. 

Louis nodded. “Yeah,” he cleared his throat. “God, yes. I want that too.” Realization was like a splash of cold water. He felt like an idiot. “I, uh, don’t have any…you know.”

Harry stopped short. “Fuck. Me neither,” he said. 

“Wait, what? You don’t have a supply here?” Louis asked. Who didn’t have condoms in their night stand. Even he did, although he was pretty sure they were expired.

Harry’s face colored. He didn’t meet Louis’ eye. “No, I don’t. Okay? I haven’t needed them for a long time.” He practically whispered the confession.

Louis’ heart clenched. He took Harry’s face in his hands. “But you have…needed them before, right?”

Harry shook him off. “Of course I have. Just,” he took a deep breath, “it’s been a while.”

Louis grabbed him again. Looked deep into his eyes. “Me too. It’s been a very long while.” He felt, more than saw, the relief course through Harry. “I’m clean,” he said, softly, hesitating. “But I’m also good with, whatever until we can…prepare better.”

He watched Harry as he contemplated Louis’ words and saw when he had made a decision. “I really want this, Louis. And I am clean too.” Louis felt his heart race as the throbbing in his cock was nearly unbearable. “I was serious. I am good with whatever.” He smiled a sly grin. “But I also want everything.” 

Louis grinned back. “So, we are doing this?”

Harry nodded enthusiastically. “Yes, please.” 

Laughter bubbled out of him. “Well, since you asked so nicely.” He leaned down and started kissing Harry. He thought he would have been happy kissing Harry forever. Harry ran his hand along Louis, still hard and aching. 

Louis reached down and fondled Harry’s cock. He was surprised at how quickly it responded. He was almost fully hard again. Or still? He gently stroked, slowly going around his testicles and back up, back down and a little further back. And back. Easing toward Harry’s fluttering hole. Harry let his legs fall open, granting Louis access.

Harry broke the kiss, groaning deeply. He reached into his side table and brought out a bottle of lube, passing it to Louis. Louis poured some onto his fingers and ran them over Harry’s hole. Slowly he pushed a finger in. 

“Fuck, Louis,” Harry moaned. “Oh, God. Yes.”

Louis slowly worked his finger in and out, feeling Harry’s heat surrounding him. Slowly loosening the tightness around him. “Ready?” He waited for Harry’s nod before sliding in a second. He felt Harry’s body relax, allowing him in. He worked Harry open, gently stretching until Harry was bucking back against his fingers. 

“I’m ready, Lou. Please.” He pulled at Louis, urging him on top of him. 

Louis positioned at Harry’s entrance. Harry cupped his ass, grabbing large handfuls of him, pulling him in. Louis pushed past the ring and slowly guided himself in. It was fucking heaven. Harry was tight around him. Breath short and sharp in his ear.

He allowed Harry to guide his movements through pressure on his ass. Starting slowly and then working up to a pounding rhythm. Louis was giving Harry long, sure strokes, almost pulling all the way out before pushing back in. Harry’s sounds going from moans to small grunts. 

Louis loved fucking face to face. The slide of his sweaty skin against Harry’s. He kissed Harry, open, full of tongue. Fucked into him with his arms propped around Harry’s head. Harry pulling him in again and again. 

Harry started to move his hand inward, pulling at Louis’ cheeks. With every stroke, his hands moved closer together until he could brush his fingertips across Louis’ hole with every out stroke. Louis almost lost his mind. 

Louis felt Harry’s body react when he found the bundle of nerves on a stroke and then aimed to hit it again and again. Just as Harry cried out that he was going to come, Louis felt his own orgasm building, pulling through him and he emptied into Harry as Harry came around him. 

Louis laid on top of Harry, sweat mingling together and pooling between them. He slowly pulled out, Harry gasping slightly at the emptiness. “Fuck, Harry. That was amazing.” He leaned over and kissed him softly. 

Harry was like water, flowing around him. Almost unable to grab onto in his relaxed, fucked out state. They kissed lazily, neither wanting to end it. Louis ran his hand up Harry’s face and was surprised to feel moisture. He pulled back and looked at Harry. 

There were tears flowing out of his eyes and running down the sides of his temples. Louis wiped them away with his thumbs. “What’s wrong?” The words were soft, as if not to scare him away. 

Harry closed his eyes, cutting off eye contact. He took a deep breath and blew it out. “It’s just, overwhelming, you know?” 

Louis smiled and kissed him softly on the lips and then on each eye lid. “Yeah, Harry. I know.”

He got up and grabbed a cloth to clean Harry and then jumped back into the large bed. Harry was already drifting off when Louis pulled the blankets around them, He pulled Harry in tight, wrapping his arms around the larger man and immediately fell asleep.  
 


	8. Baby, You're My Only Reason

Louis walked into Liam’s office. He was a mixture of dread and excitement. But he knew what he had to do. 

It had been so hard to leave Harry’s. Driving out of the driveway felt worse than when he had jumped on a bus years ago. This time he knew what he was leaving behind and there wasn’t a starry dream pulling him away. And there was a warm bed, full of a beautiful man, pulling him back.

Two days of sex had worn him out. But the cuddling, whispered conversations, and laughter had rejuvenated him. Had clarified for him everything he knew he had been thinking for a long time. “Venice Nights” was not him. It wasn’t his dream. 

His dream was, and had always been Harry.

Liam startled as Louis walked through the door. “I didn’t know you were back,” he said as he got up and came to give Louis a hug. “You doing okay?”

“Yeah, more than okay,” he said.

“Great,” the surprise showed on his face. “When did you get back?”

“Just now,” Louis said, pulling up a chair across the desk from Liam. “I haven’t even been home.”

Liam gave him a puzzled glance. “Oh, well welcome home,” he said, hesitation in his voice. 

“I need out, Liam.” Quick. Sure. That is what he had to do. No room for convincing. “I’ll finish the season, but then I am done.”

Liam was sputtering behind the desk. “But, they’ve renewed the show. You agreed to the terms –“

Louis cut him off. “No, I agreed to look at their final offer. In fact I told them that I was probably out and they sent those,” he gestured to the papers on Liam’s desk not even sure if it was his contract or not, “to try and coerce me into signing.”

“Louis, you’d be crazy to walk away from this. They came back with a ridiculous amount per episode,” Liam was shaking his head as if in disbelief. 

Louis knew that they had this same conversation over and over for years. The dollars kept getting higher, concessions to keep him added in. But they both knew it hadn’t been what he wanted for a long time. “Liam, you know me. You know what this has cost me. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t pretend to be something that I am not.” Liam just shook his head, arms crossed. “And we both know that they will never let me come out while I am on the show. Hell, I can’t even date straight while on this show, let alone have an actual relationship with an actual man. It’s done. I am done. They knew this was a possibility. That is why the season ends like this. I’ve seen the script. I think they wrote it that way because they knew I wasn’t coming back. Usually I would have signed that weeks ago, maybe months. I’m out Liam.” 

Liam leaned back in his chair, resignation clear on his face. “You really are, aren’t you?”

Louis nodded. “ I really am.”

Liam sighed. He reached onto the desk and picked up some papers. “Is he worth it?”

Louis couldn’t hold back his grin. “Yeah, he is. You know, when everything went bad, you asked me who I could trust. Harry is the only person I could think of. He is like a boat when I am drowning.”

Liam grinned. “Wow, Louis. That’s…so fantastic.”

“Ten years ago, I waked away from him. The big city lights blinded me to what was real. What was important. But they can’t blind me anymore. But it took seeing Harry again to really focus on what is important to me. It’s him. I’m not myself here. No one else can ever define me again. I won’t let them.”

***

One Month Later

Louis pulled into the driveway. This time, pulling off the gravel road onto the winding driveway, his body was tingling with excitement. He could hardly sit in the seat. The gravel and dust was hard on his Audi and he would probably need a different car, but it didn’t matter. 

He pulled into the yard and looked over to the clinic. There were a couple cars, he recognized Niall’s for sure, so he pulled up to the house. He got out of the car and leaned against it. Legs and arms crossed, as if he didn’t have a care in the world. He was an actor, after all. 

He didn’t have to wait long before he saw Harry come out of the clinic. He crossed the yard in long, sure strides. Louis could tell the moment he saw Louis and realized it was him. He broke into a run and came crashing into Louis at the car. Harry scooped him up and spun him around.

“Louis! What are you doing here?” Excitement filled his face, eyes wide open. 

Louis pretended to be put out. “Put me down,” he said, playfully hitting Harry’s arms. Harry just shook his head no and bit his bottom lip. “You stink like animals and antiseptic.”

“Too bad,” Harry said crashing his mouth down on Louis. 

Louis drank him in. All the Skype calls, even those Skype calls, couldn’t make up for the real thing. Their hands explored each other’s bodies, reintroducing them to their touch. Louis finally pulled Harry back. “Honestly, put me down. My legs are going numb.”

Harry laughed and dropped him on the ground. “Wow, Louis. Nice car. I kind of missed the old one though.” 

Louis grinned, nodding. “Yeah, I’m sure you did.”

Harry was looking at Louis like he was a mirage in the dessert. He reached out and touched Louis’ face. “I can’t believe you are here,” he said softly. 

“Well get used to it,” Louis said brashly with a lot more confidence than he felt. 

Harry’s eyebrows raised. “Get used to it? How long are you staying?”

They had studiously avoided talk of the future. He had seen moments where he thought Harry was going to ask. Had seen him push it back down, brush the questions off, just happy to preserve the little time they had. 

God Louis loved him. Loved his ability to support him with no pressure. Besides one conversation where Harry asked if they were exclusive, and Louis just play slapped him and told him they better be, Harry had never pushed for any more commitment. Any more promises. Louis was pretty sure he could read him though. He had bet his future on it. 

“For as long as you’ll have me, Harry.” 

“Yeah, of course. Stay as long as you like.” Louis was internally gleeful at Harry’s puzzled expression, could see him weighing the conversation. 

Louis played with the front of Harry’s lab coat. “How long do you think you could stand me, Dr. Styles,” he asked playfully, dramatically fluttering his eyelashes. 

Harry groaned and pulled Louis closer. “We are in my yard you minx. My staff is right there,” he said, frustration of the best kind filling his voice. 

“Hmm,” Louis said. “Well, we can’t have them seeing what I plan to do to you.”

Harry started to get distracted. Pushed up against him with a gentle roll, face coloring. Louis needed to get back on track so he put some space between them.

“I need to grab my bag,” He opened the car door and grabbed the small pack from the back seat. He glanced at Harry, whose face had fallen. 

“Oh,” he said. “Just a quick trip?” He gestured to the bag. “That’s great though,” he said, forcing a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “I can’t believe you drove all the way here.”

Louis grinned. “Well, I am going to need my car, Harry. Although I am a little worried that it might not be too practical.”

Harry nodded. “Well, you could have flown and rented a car. Or I could have picked you up.” Confusion marred his features. 

As much as Louis loved to tease Harry, he was starting to worry. “True,” he said. “I don’t know though. I haven’t decided if I want to keep it or not.” 

Harry’s eyebrows screwed together. “Why would you sell it? It’s an awesome car, Louis?”

Louis laughed. “Because, Harry,” he said pulling him close again and planting a sloppy but fairly chaste kiss on his lips, “I plan on driving on gravel a lot. And this car isn’t really made for gravel, is it?”

Harry looked back at the car. “So why didn’t you fly?” Harry was starting to get frustrated. “Fuck, Louis. Why the fuck are we talking about the car?”

“Because, you idiot. I am trying to tell you that I want to stay for a long time!” 

Harry’s face opened up. “Well of course you can stay for a long time. Like a couple weeks? Why did you only bring a little bag.”

Louis caressed his face. “Well, I was thinking maybe a little longer,” he said, hoping the question, or the answer, would come.

Harry looked at him for a long time. “Like longer? How long Louis?”

“As long as you’ll have me,” he said with a shrug. 

“You already said that. I told you you can stay,” Harry huffed.

“Harry,” Louis said, placing his hands on Harry’s shoulders. “I love you.”

Harry nodded. “I love you too,” it was almost a question.

“But sometimes, you can be quite thick.” Louis smiled at Harry’s look of frustration. “I’m trying to get you to say you want to keep me here forever.” 

Shock settled over Harry’s face. He was perfectly still in Louis’ arms. For so long that Louis started to get worried. Had he misjudged? Was it too much? Had he been totally wrong?

Harry blinked a few times, looking all over Louis’ face. “Forever?” The words hung, dead in the air. 

Shit. It was going all wrong. He should have asked him. They should have talked. He had just assumed. Louis’ heart started racing and he pulled away. “No, never mind,” he rushed to say. “I was just kidding.” He felt like he was tripping, falling. Crashing. 

Suddenly Harry broke out into a huge grin and laughed loudly, the sound echoing through the yard. He laughed and laughed, slapping his knee. Louis just stood and stared at him, not sure what to do. 

Harry surged up and swept Louis up in his arms. He planted a solid kiss on his lips. “Forever? Really, Louis? You want to come live with me?”

“Well not if you keep picking me up,” he said, mock angry. 

Harry plunked him back down on the ground, not letting any space come between them. “You love it,” he said, voice deep. He kissed Louis more thoroughly. Louis groaned in response. He couldn’t even deny it. 

“What do you want, Louis?” Harry’s voice was soft, sweeping over him like a balm. 

“You,” he answered with a sigh. “This.” 

“Everything?” Harry asked.

“Everything.” Louis answered, nodding. “It’s always been you, Harry.”

“Why?” Harry asked. Louis understood what he meant. Why now? Why him? 

“Because, you’ve been there for me. My whole life. You’ve stood by me when everyone else would have walked away. Believed in me. If I can’t have you, there’s nothing left. I was just an empty shell without you. I lived for ten years trying to ignore that. But I can’t be my best without you.” Tears started to pull at him. “Coming back here felt like, like I’d been stuck in the dark” he grasped at the words. “Like I hadn’t seen the sun. And then I saw you, and it all snapped together brighter. You are my sun on bad days, just your voice makes me feel better. You taught me that it is better to be myself, to own who I am. I can’t ever fit in there again. I don’t want to. I belong here, if you’ll have me?”

Harry kissed him. Fiercely. Passionately. Emotion flowing between them. “You’d give it all up for me?”

Louis smiled. “I already have. I’m not going back. I pray to God that you’ll have me,” he squeezed Harry’s hand feeling the squeezed returned, “but even if you won’t. I’m not going back.” He looked deep into Harry’s eyes. “I realized that in LA, people are constantly trying to drag me down, make me something I’m not. But you? You stand by me. You love me for who I am.” 

Harry nodded. “I do. I do love you,” he whispered. “So much. Too much.”

“Never too much,” he said, shaking his head. “Please let me stay.”

“Forever?” Harry ran his hands through Louis hair, pulled him in for another kiss. “Tell me you’ll stay forever. I can’t make it without you.” Harry leaned his head down. Placed it along-side Louis, as if looking at him was overwhelming. “Promise me? Forever?”

Louis wrapped his arms around Harry’s waist. Pulled him close so their bodies ran together. 

“Forever,” he promised.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading. Leave a kudos or comment if you enjoyed!
> 
> Come find me on Tumblr as [MileHigh-Larry](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/milehigh-larry) and we can chat about fics!


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